because of Him

2012-02-16T22:23:00.003Z

She looked to the mirror in front of her, while washing her face for wudhu'. She smiled to herself. Alhamdulillah, may Allah perfects her akhlaq the way He perfected her being, she prayed in her heart. Suddenly an eyelash dropped. Someone once told her that, that always happens when someone misses you. Haha, the silly things she remembers sometimes. She would often sigh silently for a second when that happens. This time, she just brushed it away without a thought. No more fairy tales or faraway dreams.

She is going to discover this journey on her own this time. Discover how life would be when she really ceases from her one repeated mistake. The mistake of giving her heart to those who shouldn't have it. They say, if the world keeps breaking your heart, then don't give your heart to the world. Haha. True enough. She took a long roundabout and twisted turns in her journey to really stick it in her head..her used-to-be-broken-but-now-mended-probably-heart. :D

She wonders sometimes, if she would ever find a companion, that would enjoy the silly things about her. Like eating scrambled eggs and toast for supper, or turning random songs into nursery rhymes, or tolerate her constant stumbles and clumsiness, or her absent moments, where it seems like her mind is empty for a second or two. Or how she'd suddenly spur out with ideas and how crazy she can be with them or her constant obsession for postcards. and how she can take so many words to just say something that makes sense. And the same person that can appreciate the big things as much. The world, the issues, the fight for what's right, how we can change the world things and out of all that, especially, Islam. Who appreciates Islam as much as her, or even better, more than her.

She wonders if there is such a person, that would argue with her, and understands that she needs time to process and digest things. That the person would change her mind, and that she could change that person's mind too. That she can agree to disagree with, that doesn't try to change or fix her, just a person that gets her. That understands that people will always change, and that makes long term relationships between two human beings beautiful, that it consists of a lot of different friendships and connections between the various versions of each of them.

There would be someone, waiting, if she really gets to that place where such a person exists. That place is the Heavens that Allah promised in the Quran. Where things are beyond one's imagination, and she wonders how wonderful it would be. She knows, this world is only a bridge, one should pass through it, not build on it. Perhaps, He would bring the gist of those heavens through a blessed home in this world. But for now, she has to stick with His rules, and truly believe. Insya Allah.

Torch bearers

2012-02-16T09:22:00.003Z

I was feeling really down yesterday. Perhaps, because it was frustrating, going over a journal, reading word-by-word, and ended up not understanding anything. And it infects many other things later in the day.

But just before I fell asleep, I read through a new app in my iPod touch. It's called torchbearers. :) And I realised that there are so many comforting quotes in it. As well as the ones that slaps you in the head (in an imaginary way, mind you :P) and tells you to just simply STOP being weak!

So, I thought I might write a few here today (^_^) It is perhaps related to my life now, and I hope it does to you too.

1) And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him. (Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah)

2) Anyone who criticises you cares about your friendship. Anyone who makes light of your faults cares nothing about you. (Ibn Hazm)

3) And is not every single pain and suffering of this world and the next the result of a sin that we have committed (Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah)

4) As you can taste a pot full of food with a spoon likewise someone's tongue can tell you about his heart.

5) Be aware of every hour and how it passes and only spend it in the possible way; do not neglect yourself, but keep accustomed to the noblest and best of actions, and send to your grave that which will please you when you arrive to it. (Imam Ibn Al Jawzee)

6) Beware of following your brother just because he agrees with you over an opinion and oppose another because he disagrees with you over an opinion or an issue (Abdul Aziz ibn Baaz)

7) Cease to sin, because you will not meet Allah with anything as valuable as few sins. (Aisyah R.A)

8) Deeds have consequences and effects that return to the servant that performed them, affecting his life and all of his affairs. (Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah)

9) Do not sit idle, for indeed death is seeking you. (Al Hasan Al Basri)

10) Five things are associated with difficulty in life: The heart is hard, the eyes don't shed tears, to have limited haya', to desire material world and to have lengthy hopes/desires in your life. (Al Fudayl ibn 'Iyaad)

11) From the signs that Allah has turned away from His servant is that He makes him occupied with that which doesn't concern him (Al Hasan Al Basri)

12) Hasan Al Basri about the righteous salaf- "I saw those people and how they were more careful about their time than about their money."

May they be beneficial for you and for me :)

Bristol Pound! :)

2012-02-15T10:15:00.003Z

I was reading an interesting article just now. About how Bristol is issuing its own pound to preserve its independent shops (^_^) Likee.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-16852326

I wonder if it will work out. Hmm. To think of it, having two currencies is quite troublesome. Wait, it is not even two, it is actually three! I forgot about the euro currency as well. To think of it, I'd end up using the most universal one, that can come through any shops around here. But the people's concerns of the independence of shops against multinational companies cannot really be underestimated here in Bristol. They really have substance to go with this cause. That's one of things I love about Bristol. :) But really, on another side there's unemployment to think about too. Gosh I'm rattling very weak arguments for and against here. Probably because I have to think of good arguments for Milton Friedman's statement:

"Inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon."

It's amazing when you google this quote out, various discussions appear. You can never really underestimate the length of a statement when it comes to spurring controversies huh? (: In this case, an academic controversy. :P

Alright, alright. Back to the simple things now. (: I was running on the treadmill in the gym early this morning when I came across this report on community values. Apparently, there is this lane in Bristol (i forgot the name) that is very unique, in the sense that, they have a flight of stairs in their back garden, (the plastic ones for children :P) that enables the children not only to go on the slides but also, across the fences into their neighbour's gardens. So, their kids can visit and play with their friends in the neighbourhood without even needing to go out of their gates. And that, parents do not need to worry much, as they know each other very well, and they look out for each other's kids. That is actually very brilliant. I'd want that kind of neighbourhood if I ever have kids someday. :) I guess, communal values are deteriorating these days, especially when you live in urban areas. I mean, I don't even know my neighbours living upstairs above me.

We have so many big things to solve, sometimes we tend to forget the essential small things right? :)

And sorry, if I have been writing about very random stuff that I wonder sometimes, if it goes to any point, haha, but I guess, I've been too caught up with deadlines and studies..and yes, I live more than half of my day in the library now, and the next big chunk of day goes to sleep, so you see, the roughly 20 minutes of just writing is one of the little things that would really make my day.

Bear with me okay (:

And while I wonder if my random babbling compass is pointing to beneficial, I hope the pictures are. :) Well, I found this quote by the famous Emma Watson yesterday. Really, I've been thinking of deleting my Facebook account, but really, now more people are posting interesting stuff, I always end up not doing that, at the end.

I'm not really a loyal fan of Harry Potter, although I do enjoy the books and the movies (of course :)), but I particularly like her perspective in this quote.

"The less you reveal, the more you can wonder."

I don't know about you, but for me, growing up through my teens and now, a young adult (do I get to call myself that? :P haha) there is always this urge to be the centre of the attention, sometimes to the extent of doing just anything to do that. Over time, I noticed that people who do get attention are those who do not seek for it. And throughout that journey, I began to understood that the world doesn't always have to revolve around you. That we are sometimes always caught up, limited into this one world. For a woman, there is always more than one world for her. And it is natural for her to like attention, but if she is wise, she'd understand that seeking it from a world that truly appreciates her skin deep brings the most genuine happiness and calmness she can ever feel. The world of a family and friends that cares, the world of her own family that she builds within the sacred bond of marriage, and of all worlds, the world where there is only her and God.

And I don't think I'm at the end of the spectrum yet, to really understand what it really means to be a woman fully, I have a lot to learn. But I think, now I'm at the point where I am really beginning to understand and believe with my whole heart, that Allah is really the One that cares about you most. you can see how much He loves us from His commands for us to guard the precious features of ourselves that comes with us. That commands upon our rights and regulations that ensure that we are always taken care of.

And that if the best person to care for a you, as a woman, is a person who will never abandon Allah for anything, especially for you. If a person can abandon Allah, he or she can abandon you too. And perhaps, it goes for us to ponder for ourselves too. That if we can really leave the One who cares about us most, for the sake of something else or someone else, than how far can we go to appreciate something or somebody unconditionally?

Whoops. :) Study time. Till then (^_^)

:)

2012-02-14T10:16:00.003Z

I reached the library early in the morning today. And Wills Memorial seemed different. Why, you wonder? It is because there were so many people holding cameras today. At first, I couldn't understand the occasion. Turns out, there will be a graduation ceremony taking place soon. A gush of nervousness hit me. Somehow, when I look at the students with those broad smiles, wearing their graduation robes proudly, I am reminded of my parents. Since early this term, they had been badgering me about the dates. But I feel bad. Just, coming to my graduation is VERY costly. That's all. They've got to come to the other side of the globe to attend it. This feeling of guilt sank in me. I used to be this fan of special occasions. Birthdays, awards day, all those days, are sacred to me. You cannot miss it. But I guess, across time, parts of me have changed, and I'm not that obsessed with special occasions anymore.

Graduation would probably be another day for me. Maybe another day, with me, wearing something I've never worn before, and will never wear again, not after a long time. Go through speeches and a hundred names before mine is called. But you know what would be priceless? Seeing my parents smile proudly, like they've made it. They've managed to raise this very hairy baby daughter of theirs, (I was really hairy when I was born, mind you! :P) to come across the world and study, and see my transition to independence. All their work on me. And that up till now, they haven't really missed a moment.

Over the years, I think, I like myself a lot. The good and the bad. I mean, yeah, the bad parts have to change, but overall, I don't hate myself. I actually find myself a good company for myself. Haha, does it make sense? :D Maybe, if I say it in a different way, I'd say, I think I'm good enough to me. I'm just always worried that I'm not good enough to my parents. If I haven't given back the best of myself to them, you know. I wonder what they think of me sometimes, beyond all the things they say that they would probably think parents should tell their daughters. I wonder what they honestly think of me sometimes.

Ugh. Enough with the sentimentals. Huu. :) Now, I am gonna study, yo, and get the good grades! :) Haha. That sentence sounds very odd coming out from me. But yeah, Insya Allah. From Allah everything comes, and to Allah shall it return.

P/S I think I am at the "I can do it!" stage. Lol (^_^)

2012-02-11T00:15:00.002Z

"Sesungguhnya di dunia terdapat bejana-bejana iaitu hati. Dan hati yang paling dikasihi Allah adalah yang paling teguh, paling jernih dan paling lembut. Paling teguh dalam berpegang dengan agama, paling jernih dalam keyakinan dan paling lembut dengan sahabat."

Yes, this is my second home these days. At least I'm determined to make it that way. :P

2012-02-10T11:41:00.002Z

This section of the Earth Sciences Library. :) My newly found favourite spot. Haha. (^_^) I think one of the things I would really miss in Bristol is the libraries. They have a range from the modern ones, to the very classical ones. Well, as usual, I'd go for the classics :P Currently, I'm diving into the Heckscher-Ohlin model at this corner since morning. I like it. Far away from people, surrounded by books. And yes, the silence of it. (: I guess the past few months had been a lot of noise, both literally and not, and I enjoy silences these days.

It reminds me of what I really want someday. I want a library of my own. One room in wherever I live in, full of books, and great, comfortable chairs, overlooking a good view. Haha. And of course, tea, with lots and lots of sugar :P I have my own collection of books now. Lots of it. Here in the uk, there is a large box full of them. Not counting the overloaded book shelves. (: The nearest I've got is tall Billy book racks in my room nearly touching the ceiling. I should probably start budgeting on the shipping. Lol.

Anyway, I found this picture yesterday. Cool huh? (:

2012-02-09T23:19:00.002Z

"I've got something for you!" I smiled. The little girl in front of me had two drawings, one for Ain and one for me. Huu. Terharu :') Now I get it why bapak still has my hand made card for father's day pasted on the board in his office. Haha, I kept telling him to hide it. Gosh. Apparently the smaller version of me coined "Happy Bapak Day" instead of "Happy Father's Day" just to make it specially for my dad. Well. Bapak was my superhero when I was a child. Still is. Met a couple of guys that care about me. But no one can really take that superhero spot from bapak. Hehe. :) Suddenly, I miss my parents. Sometimes, I feel bad, because I'm really bad at expressing my affections for people. Ask the important people in my lives. Lately, they keep telling me, how I don't make them feel special enough. Yeah, I have a lot of work on that department.

I guess, I'm always cautious to show I care too much. I can never figure out why. Perhaps, because when I do express it, people just don't stay. They leave, when I do that. Somehow, when I don't show it much, those people don't go away. I guess, I've always have this hypothesis formed in my mind that I can scare people with my capacity to care about someone. Over the years, I learnt not to show it much. Act cool and collected. Haha. I wonder, how far am I succeeding into that. Or perhaps, when I really care about someone a lot, I don't try too hard to convince myself that I do. Because deep down, I know I do. Ugh. I can be really complex sometimes =_='

It was a good day today. (^_^) minus the fact that I didn't study at all. But yeah :)

Can I just write a thought? Sometimes, I feel like running away from my past. Some people in my past. I just want to compartmentalise them in one section of my heart, and isolate it there. Create a strong blockade that nothing can pass through. Stop thinking of the what ifs. But yes, no running away. You've got to face it sometimes. Yes, I'm gonna face it! *determined face*

Redah je! :)

2012-02-08T21:58:00.003Z

Well, if it is not anything, I discover something today about myself. If I really care about something, even sleep can't really stop me from getting involved. I'm happy with myself today. I guess I have been afraid of getting involved in a matter concerning the community around me. Perhaps, because the last time I went about with that issue, I kind of..said too much, I guess. So, you see, I had this thing in mind, that I'd be a coward and not show up, so I wouldn't be pressured to speak up, which I know will happen. (It actually did happen :P )

Anyway, it has been bugging me all day. I guess, being a coward is something I find very unsettling. Something I know I'll regret. So, I shut the unsettling feeling by sleeping. But ho and behold! I woke up just at the right time to go, and my phone was full of texts asking if I would be coming. I was 45 minutes late. I made a fashionably late entrance, which was not that fashionable, I had my sleepy face, and the first thick clothing that I reached for. And the moment I sat, the person beside me started pushing me to say something. SAY SOMETHING. I think, she would literally say out loud to me, if we were not in a civilised meeting :P. Huu.

Yes, I remembered about my intention, to find the right time to speak up. I didn't think I contributed much, but I felt that this time, I didn't jump in. I composed myself and chose the right timing. I didn't say too much. I said, just enough :) Alhamdulillah.

And I thought, many would be offended by what I said last time, but turned out they didn't. It was an opinion, one of them said. Well, Alhamdulillah, that Allah convinced me today that really, being a coward by avoiding something is really not a good way out. Sometimes, you just got to face it, you know. Like what I keep saying to myself, and a lot of people around me in the same boat as I am, "Redah je! " :D

2012-02-08T10:03:00.002Z

I got this from a friend. He's a super in Arabic. I really love this after reading his translation of it. It goes like this:

"A person, if he is wise and pious, is busied from others' faults by his own blame, just as the sickly person is distracted, from the pain of all others by his own pain." -Imam Shafie-

Writing a book?

2012-02-08T09:25:00.003Z

Let's just say it is the power of google and blogs :P

I am feeling optimistic, hence I think I'm going to start working on a book. (^_^) I haven't decided on the genre yet. Or the title. Or even what it is going to be about. I have a lot of ideas in my head, well I have been dreaming of doing so since high school, so you can imagine all the accumulation of unfinished ideas. Right now, I'm just looking at my schedule and keep cramming "boleh!" in my brains while squeezing all the free time out of it. It is anyway, -4 degrees celcius outside, hence, my initial plan to hit the gym is doomed. I haven't decided on anything yet on the book, except for one thing, it will be honest. Very honest. (:

Wish me luck (:

Today :)

2012-02-07T19:14:00.002Z

Today. Still in the search for the old me that I have abandoned for so long. I figured, I used to be able to be contented with being alone. And I used to enjoy the little things. (^_^) Maybe it is time I stop being angry with the past, and try to forgive it, and everyone in it. I guess, I'm starting to learn to not think too much about things.

How? Well, this one random day, I asked Nazi, how she forgave people. She said something along the lines of, it has happened, and no matter what I do, I cannot change it. Have the want to forgive, and don't think about it. You can't forgive someone instantly. Just always remember, of how much you want to be forgiven by Allah Taala. And perhaps it will open your heart to do so.

So, I thought, maybe I should try. To not think too much about everything. What happened in the past stays in the past. And I figured, the more I rewind something in my head, the angrier I get. And its not doing me any good anyway. And I know, as much as the person has wronged me, there are some places where I have wronged that person too. Everyone's not perfect, aren't they?

Why the sudden thought? I think it all came out of tiredness. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of suppressing it. And I'm tired of going around the same thing over and over again. Perhaps there are things that I will truly let go from now on. Perhaps, this is the loophole I am missing. That, I can't even forgive a person, how can I expect Allah to pardon my sins?

I guess, I've learnt that being young, the Malays would say, "darah masih panas", how a young person is easily stirred with anger. I admit, I've been there too. But throughout the anger, I realised that true, there are things that we should be angry at, like oppression, corruption etc. But we've got to separate between our sphere of concern and sphere of influence. There is no point wasting one's energy on pointless anger when one cannot change it. That energy should be channelled to widen that sphere of influence towards that concern.

Hence, now, I try to not only speak up, but also, to speak up at the right time. And to learn to be quiet too, at the right place and time. I've been naive to think that the more I speak up, and the more I fight for what is right, that I will get support. Reality is, the more you stand up for what is right, the more criticisms you will have thrown in your way, the more you are tried.

Anyway, back to finding my old self. It's been a while since I feel my burdens lightened. And I thought, it's been so long since I spent time with myself. So, haha, I decided that I should do it today :) Today :) Why wait right? :P

See the top picture? I was like whoa, when I saw that. This thing is being set up in the middle of broad mead. I'm so going on it when it is done. :)

In the middle of browsing, I found this card. (:

Yes Gandhi, I will try. (: Haha. But I've got to find myself first, I guess. At least, if not all of myself, the important bits of myself.

And this: (^_^) My dream file. I don't know why I haven't bought it yet. Maybe because it is 7 pounds. And 7 pounds is really expensive for a file. But that's my favourite line on it. The line I often dote for myself: "Work in Progress."

I am a "work in progress". Getting there. Soon.

Pocket World in Figures! (:

2012-02-07T13:31:00.004Z

I got this for free today! (: How? Well, I have an effective freebie face. Muahaha. *evil laugh* People just enjoy giving me free stuff! :P (No, seriously, I'm not joking, it's true. :D) I thought it was amusing, me..reading a book with barely any words on it. Just numbers, numbers and numbers. (^_^)

The verse that touches me so deeply these days.

2012-02-07T10:22:00.003Z

"Dan janganlah engkau tujukan pandangan matamu kepada kenikmatan yang telah Kami berikan kepada beberapa golongan daripada mereka, pasangan hidup mereka (sebagai) bunga kehidupan dunia. agar Kami uji mereka dengan kesenangan itu. Kurnia Tuhanmu lebih baik dan kekal." (Taha:131)

Almost felt like crying, reading this verse. It feels like Allah is reading what goes on within my mind and heart, and is reminding me of something greater. :')

Subhanallah.

May Allah grant me with strength. :)

And may I be patient in fulfilling others' rights. And not be bothered too much about mine.

The Reluctant Mullah

2012-02-06T23:06:00.002Z

I found this book in this 2 pounds bookshop. I haven't read it, but hmm, I think this book is interesting (: Well, I'm taking a risk here. I've read some books, that are written by Muslims, but then, I get annoyed by how ignorant they are of their own religion, sometimes to the extent of making their religion a joke. Our religion, Islam. But then, on another view, I thought, this might be a brilliant book that actually talks about a genuine point of view of a Muslim who grew up in the UK. I'm putting my cards down to say that this is probably a brilliant comedy that brings out a lot of good thoughts and satire for people to think about. I thought, should I invest in such a book?

Haha, you know the answer is yes, because I actually bought it :P What convinced me, you ask? Well, lets just say that, however much I agree or disagree with it after I have finished the last page, insya Allah, it is at the end, a point of view. Something that brings me closer into understanding the world.

I think I need that more these days. I mean, I keep getting people telling me to speak up and speak up these days. And less people telling me to listen. It was a trigger from simply a quote from a newspaper article. Something about you're young. Getting a degree from the other end of the globe doesn't mean you have to have a lot of opinions. You may, but at the same time, it is important too, to listen and learn. Because there's a fine line between opinionated and arrogance.

Don't you think so? (:

I guess, in the midst of me trying to get out of my comfort zone, and take risks (which I admit, I don't normally do back then), I do miss some parts of me. Especially this part of me. That loves wandering spontaneously in a book store, and rummaging for knowledge and point of views. A person that values deep thoughts and perspectives more than her clothes and bags. A person that can be alone, and be happy and contented with just herself as company. The girl that can enjoy the simplicity of a good book and a nice cup of tea with extra sugar :P Haha. I miss her. (:

It is nice to think that these days, I spend less than 20 pounds a week, and see my shelves overloaded with unread books, that will soon to be explored huh? (:

So, I'll tell you one of these days when I've read "The Reluctant Mullah" ey? I'll review it here, insya Allah (: I love writing book reviews. Maybe I should start doing that again. (^_^) Haha, I've been reviewing people's thesis instead. Time to go back to books. (: And to think of it, I don't even have a clue! Sometimes, I wonder how I can get away with doing things that I am actually very clueless about. But anyway, they passed their vivas. Alhamdulillah, I'm so happpyyy for them! :)

P.S This might be really small years from now, and this might sound childish, but it is really exciting to get your name mentioned in the acknowledgement section of a PhD student's thesis! :P

Rambling my thoughts

2012-02-06T22:41:00.003Z

It is almost the 23rd hour of the day. I thought I wanted to make today a good day. The plan didn't go that well. Here I am, watching pointless dramas that will have many episodes to come. Sometimes, I wonder what is pulling me back. I'm still figuring it out. I actually made a list of commitments to fulfil from morning to night. I wonder if I'm going to fulfil it.

I've heard once, that a syiekh once said, everyone is not at the good place they are in right now without having to go through a tough struggle in that bad place, especially the first time they encounter it. I think I am in that bad place. But I haven't struggled hard enough.

Once, I was talking to a friend. And she was saying how, honestly, she doesn't really know what she wants. Or that she knows what she wants, which is Allah, but she is unsure if she wants it enough. If really, she wants it enough, why is it hard to get out of that hole of sins? And I understood how she felt. That's how I feel too. Like there's still something I'm missing.

Maybe, this bad place is teaching us about humility. That if one day, we get to break away to that good place, we'd always remember this place, that we've been there, and it pulls us to the ground of humility. Maybe, being in this place makes us really see how sacred Allah's love is, and maybe, we haven't been able to get out of it, because we haven't understood enough how important Allah is, and perhaps, being here long enough, trying to reach out to the good place, but still not being able to...is because deep down, we do not have enough want to break free.

Like the burning desire of it is the key.

Once, I had to talk to someone about Islam. It is not always I was given an opportunity to do that. And I'm not experienced, neither good at it. And I was trying to put it in such a way that would make it as understandable as possible and all those things. And I ended up, clueless. I was a perfectionist that moment. I didn't want to fail.

And someone said to me, it is not about succeeding or failing. Yes, we can give our best effort for a good presentation, but at the end of the day, the hidayah, the light, is Allah's. That we shouldn't put sincerity out of the equation, in the midst of all the techniques and practice.

Sincerity. I have a lot to learn about that.

Haha. And not to ramble this way. :P

comfort zones

2012-02-06T16:41:00.004Z

I am overanalysing. I wish I could stop. This is often what happens, when I just risk it, and speak up. I'd have that moment rewinded in my head for the next 24 hours, sometimes more, and it gets more embarrassing every time. I wonder why I'm like this.

I think it is because I care too much of how others think of me. I always try to impress people, and when the rare moments that I don't, it just feels free. I wish sometimes, I can be that carefree. To not think too much about what others think.

Haha, it suddenly reminds me of what Nazi would always say to me. When you think you're doing embarrassing things, you're actually amusing people. =_=' Haha but that does definitely make me feel better. Always.

I read once that, when you stop trying to impress people, you will get the freedom of being who you really are.

I don't know when I will stop having those moments rewinded in my head. Yes, I do not mind appearing stupid to people I don't know, but I do mind, when it is to the people I care about, or that I respect a lot. I am definitely WAY outside my comfort zone. It doesn't really give me a good feeling, (well that's why people stick to their comfort zones in the first place, dear) but I hope one day, this zone I am in, will be my comfort zone. Maybe the thought of myself forcing me to be where I am standing now is comforting. At least I'm trying, right? (:

2012-02-06T09:16:00.001Z

I thought I lost my blog

2012-02-06T00:25:00.005Z

Yes, I deleted. And I tried undeleting it again. And I couldn't. I thought I lost my blog, with all my thoughts and memories in it. Turned out I was wrong. I even made a new blog! Gosh. But I deleted it (of course) when I found out I haven't lost it yet.

I did write a post though. :) It went like this:

Yes. My whole blog is gone. :(

I have to start all over again. I don't know how I feel about it. Mixed feelings, I suppose. All my thoughts for the past few years, just disappeared. But at the same time, it is a great coincidence that today, I feel this strong urge in myself to start anew, and that this is the right time to do so. I wonder if not gaining access to my old thoughts would help me move forward, and let go of the past.

I guess, the blog right now is kind of a reflection of my life lately. It used to feel so full of..everything. Now everything is gone, and what's left is empty spaces, waiting to be filled. I don't even know where to start, but as much as there is so much to do with this, there is so much space too, to change and improve things. :)

I have this one deep resolution in my heart, but I will not write it here like I always do. I will not even write it anywhere. Not yet. I'm going to write it down one of these days, when I am able to open my heart to that powerful resolution. Most importantly, I think I'm not going to impose things on myself anymore. I want to learn to accept rather than to force myself. And I hope that I will be at peace with that resolution..soon.

But anyway :) I have a quote that I keep repeating to myself everyday, these days (^_^)

It goes like this: (warning: it is quite long :P)

"This is your LIFE. Do what you love, and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP. They will be waiting for you when you START DOING THE THINGS YOU LOVE. Stop over analysing, all emotions are beautiful. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Life is simple. Open your mind, arms and heart to new things and people. We are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is. And share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often, getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them. So go out and start creating. Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."

You know what my passion is? Words.

You know what my dream is? I want to open a book shop and a publishing company someday. A prestigious one. One that will spread the line of beautiful words and truth across the globe. One that will inspire and give hope to many. And one that will produce books that will carry a heavy weight.

And like the quote I saw in Oxford last Friday: "The weight of a book is measured by how much you can carry away from it."

Insya Allah.

2012-01-23T21:23:00.003Z

21.23 hours. I'm too tired to do anything. Within me, there are mixed feelings, so mixed up, I don't know what to feel anymore.

You see, sometimes, there are people who care about you greatly. And they'd do anything to protect you, sometimes even from yourself. But sometimes, they're busy doing that, they forget, that you have feelings too. And then, they go, thinking it is the best thing to do. And they forget, sometimes, you don't need a perfect friend, you just need a person who would stay.

2012-01-20T13:00:00.003Z

In another life, I would make you stay.

So I don't have to say you were

The one that got away.

2012-01-20T01:47:00.004Z

"You are lost," my tutor muttered under his breath. Yes, I heard that. Yeah, you can guess, it was a really rough day. Probably, at that brink of a moment, I'd say, that one of Allah's great blessings to me is the fact that I have no problem appearing to be stupid. I'd let it go the moment it ends. I wasn't always this way.

I guess, I've known for a long time that I have a problem talking in front of people, being the focus of attention. When that happens, my mind would turn blank, and I will say whatever is there on the paper in front of me. Sometimes, not even close to that. I can't handle a question. At all. And I'd talk really fast, it is very hard to understand what in the world am I talking about. Haha. At least, you didn't see the days when I'd tremble terribly while talking. Ask anyone who was in my high school between 2006-2007. They've seen that me.

Perhaps, that fear of talking in front of people, hasn't really disappeared, I don't think it lessens. I think, Alhamdulillah, I am better at managing it. Not perfect, but better. It is still a work in progress! :) That's my great slogan these days :P

"I am a work in progress." :)

I actually have this visualisation that one day, I would talk in front of a big audience, in such a calm and composed manner, bringing them with a reasonable pace through my world of thoughts, and enchanting them with deep words, words that have meaning. I would imagine myself as passionate as I would be when I am writing, like right now. Fearless and bold. The simple honest truth. And of course, I'd never leave out pieces of myself in the message. That I do not leave out Allah from my message that I will be delivering.

Such a visualisation huh? Yep. Insya Allah. It is a step by step process. Where am I now?

I am in the phase where I am convinced that I cannot avoid the one important but difficult thing to realise my vision. And that, I have to be brave enough to step out from that comfort zone, and risk failing. It is one of the hardest thing to do in life, I think.

I'd tell myself everyday, that I am capable of this. I am on the way, I know my destination target, and I'm going to get there!

Insya Allah one day, I'd be able to convey to people through public speaking, as much as I dare to, through writing.

And right now, I'm in Dublin, with my best friend. ^^

2012-01-16T07:57:00.002Z

Aisyah R.A pernah berkata:

"Semoga Allah memberi rahmat ke atas wanita-wanita Muhajirin, ketika Allah menurunkan ayat: 'Dan hendaklah mereka menutupkan kain tudung ke dadanya..' kaum lelaki mereka pulang lalu membacakan ayat itu. Para wanita pun bangun kemudian mengambil kain perhiasan lalu menutup diri mereka kerana iman dan yakin atas apa yang diturunkan oleh Allah. Mereka muncul di belakang Rasulullah dalam keadaan bertutup seolah-olah ada gagak hitam di atas kepala mereka.."

May Allah grant me and you obedience and sincerity the way He granted to the women of the Muhajirins.

One who doesn't see and is not seen

2012-01-15T08:39:00.002Z

Saidatina Fatimah pernah memberi jawapan ketika ditanya baginda S.A.W, "Apakah sesuatu yang paling baik bagi wanita?" Jawab Siti Fatimah, "Supaya tidaklah wanita itu melihat lelaki dan tidak pula lelaki melihatnya." Mendengar jawapan itu Rasulullah S.A.W mendakap Fatimah dengan gembira dan membaca sebuah ayat daripada Surah Al Imran di mana maksudnya: "satu keturunan yang sebahagiannya (turunan) dari yang lain, dan Allah Maha Mendengar, Maha Mengetahui." (Al Imran: 34)

This leaves me touched and overwhelmed :')

Why? Because women like these are rare, and I wish I am one of them. I have a long way to go, somehow. Do you think it is true..that the person you are in the future, is the person you hope to be now? And that if hope and love for goodness doesn't do anything else, at least it does pull you in the direction of it.

Insya Allah.

2012-01-15T08:05:00.002Z

Nazi gave a deep quote to ponder upon today :)

Her words were heard from the seventh heavens

2012-01-14T08:58:00.003Z

Khaulah binti Tha'labah was a woman who went straight to Prophet to ask regarding zihar after her husband declared that to her, and her question was heard and answered by Allah in the Quran. As a consequence of that verse, zihar is prohibited, and any man who does that will have to recompense it before having any intimate relations with the wife.

(Zihar is a form of divorce that was oppressing women during that time. That form of divorce, based on the traditions of the Arab during that time frees the husband from the obligations to his wife and children. However, the woman cannot leave the house, or marries someone else. Zihar is expressed by equalling the wife to some parts of his mother's body.)

Khaulah didn't hesitate when she felt that she was being oppressed. She went with confidence to the Prophet S.A.W and believed strongly that Allah will give the answer to the problem. She did not have a proper attire, so she went and borrowed an attire from her neighbour. And Allah answered her question from the Heavens.

Once, during the time of the Caliph Umar Al Khattab, Khaulah met him outside the masjid. During that time, Al Jarud Al Abdi was with him. Umar acknowledged Khaulah and she said to him:

"Umar, I remembered when you were called Umair in the markets of Ukaz. During that time, you were shepherding your goats with your stick. Thus, fear Allah while you are fulfilling your obligations as a caliph of the people. Know that, those who fear the punishments in the afterlife would realise that the time is not faraway, and that those who fear death will fear losing that opportunity while they were still alive."

"O woman, you are being very rude to the Amirul Mu'minin!" Al Jarud said.

Umar then said, "Leave her alone. Don't you know? That is Khaulah, who her speech was heard by Allah from the seventh heavens? By Allah and by the truth, Umar needs to hear to her speech."

Those were the women during the messenger's time. They were not afraid to say if their rights were compromised. More than that, they are the reflection of women who really held the humble feeling of being a servant to the worthy Creator, Allah. When she finds herself in the middle of a problem, she did not first consult the people around her, she went and consulted straight to Allah and His messenger.

It made me reflect upon myself. Lately, there is a discussion for a cause in the place I live. Instead of asking myself straight, if this would be something that Allah pleases or not, my first question is how it affects people etc. Never did I gave one first thought or question if it is halal or haram. Not only that, I do that in many areas of my life. Everyday, without even realising.

I was flipping through the pages of my notebooks recently. And I found this quote from one of my teachers that gave me that same effect it did, when I heard it the first time.

"Kadang-kala manusia terlalu sibuk dengan dunia dan kehidupan, sehingga lupa kepada perasaan hamba yang bertuhan."

(Sometimes, humans are so caught up in our lives and the world, that we forget the humble feeling of being a servant to God.)

Semoga kita sentiasa istiqamah dalam mengekalkan perasaan hamba yang bertuhankan Allah Azza Wa Jal. :)

Women Like Her

2012-01-13T07:57:00.003Z

It was in the middle of the battle of Ajnadin when Khalid Al Walid and his troops witnessed a great warrior fighting fearlessly every Roman soldier that came in her way. The knight was in a black attire, with a green shawl covering her bust, and that the knight wore a veil to cover the face.

No one really thought that the person hidden behind that veil was a woman. After the battle, Khalid asked the knight to remove the veil and tell them who she was. The knight didn't reply and tried to break away. After realising that there is no other way, the knight finally said. "I did not answer because I am shy. I refuse to remove my veil because I am guarding my dignity. You are a great leader but I am only a woman with her heart burning."

Khalid insisted on wanting to know who she is. "I am Khawla Binti Al Azwar, I was with the women accompanying the army, when I learnt that the enemy captured my brother, I did what I did."

This story I read as I waited for the sun to rise made me reflect upon my own life. Khawla was a woman who, when taken prisoner with many Muslim women in a different battle fought the Roman troops that held them captive, and saw a Roman general desiring her and wanting to marry her as an insult. She alone, killed 5 troops herself including that Roman general, just in time before Khalid and the troops came to save them. Khawla was a beautiful woman physically. She was tall and slim. But what was more beautiful about her was her shyness, her fiery guard for her own dignity and modesty. And that modesty never stopped her from taking part in fighting Allah's cause alongside with men, that was even more beautiful.

I thought about my life. I am far away from that. I would imagine that if she is living beside me today, would she tell me that I have to do better in guarding my modesty? Or would I be shy witnessing her shyness, and realised that I still have many loopholes in the things I do? I wonder if the world today is that much different from how it was during her time. It seems now that what most people value in a woman is her physical beauty, and nothing beyond that. Everywhere there are elements telling one that you're not good enough because you don't show enough. And that if you don't show enough, you can't do enough with your life.

I wonder if the women of today, who would read stories of the women during the Prophet's time, would be jealous of them like I am. I am jealous of their purity and their strength whenever I read about them. I am jealous of their 'izzah as a Muslim women upholding the message of Allah. I envy them that they have no need for the whole world's attention to appreciate and value themselves highly. My heart feels inferior to women like Khawla, that never uses her guard for modesty as an excuse to runaway from going on the cause of Allah and to be courageous alongside men. They did not waver to their hearts' worry of losing the men they love and depend on, and instead encourage them to find syahid in His cause. "Our women were much harsher to us than the Romans. We felt that going back to fight and die was much easier than facing the fury of our women later on," a knight present during the battle of Ajnadin said. And of all things, I envy their faith, their belief in Allah and how they live by the Quran truly. Their hearts weren't weak or broken, because they didn't give their hearts to the world in the first place. They gave it all to Allah.

Today, perhaps, the fight for the cause is not on the battlefield anymore, but more of, defending and upholding our values in the society and our country. Everyday, there will be a Muslim woman discriminated for going against the norms of today, there will be a misrepresentation of Islam to the world, the world is sick with people defying their own natures especially their nature as creations of the One who is greater. I know, deep down, the ummah needs women like Khawla, who are becoming rare in today's world. I wonder, what would Khawla Binti Al Azwar do if she lives in this era? I am sure that she would be courageous to speak up the truth, and that her courage would not be at the cost of modesty, and that, her modesty would not be an excuse to not be courageous.

"You have to be what you think the ummah needs."

May Allah guides us all towards that.

2012-01-11T10:43:00.002Z

Haha this is very funny. I'm singing to Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up" to my macroeconomics essay :P Somehow it is the best theme song for me and my essay. Lol.

Gosh uni work is driving me crazy...=_=' in a good way :)

Just for fun :P

2012-01-10T10:03:00.007Z

Nazi led me to discover the Top 25 songs played in my iTunes. I thought that the list of songs is interesting.

1. Sunshine, Dust and The Messenger (Dawud Wharnsby)

2. You Are Very Special (Zain Bikha)

3. Never Alone (Zain Bikha)

4. Ours (Taylor Swift)

5. Healing (Sami Yusuf)

6. About Muhammad (Dawud Wharnsby)

7. Forgive Me When I Whine (Zain Bikha)

8. Alhamdulillah (Dawud Wharnsby)

9. Asma Allah ( Sami Yusuf)

10. Breathe Again (Sara Bareilles)

11. Allah Is Enough For Me (Zain Bikha)

12. A Thousand Years (Christina Perri)

13. Moving On (Rascal Flatts)

14. A Drop In The Ocean (Ron Pope)

15. Better That We Break (Maroon 5)

16. Beautiful Disaster (Jon Mc Laughlin)

17. Like Ships In The Night (Mat Kearney)

18. Broken (Vampire Diaries OST)

19. Worlds Apart (Waiting For Forever OST)

20. Not Your Enemy (Jesse Mc Cartney)

21. Mountains of Makkah (Zain Bikha) --> Hey, I like this song! =_=' why is it at the 21st??

22. Doa Dhuha

23. You Make It Real (James Morrison)

24. The Prophet (Dawud Wharnsby)

25. Easier To Be (Lifehouse)

Well, self reflection too. Num 9 & 22 should really be on the top of the list. And hmm, should slow down on the number 10. Dependence misplaced. :P But anyway, I love all these songs :) I guess I could relate to them a lot. However I do hope that may the future sees my Top 25 Played playlist full of more remembrance to Allah.

2012-01-10T09:49:00.003Z

Got this from one of the translation of Al Ghazali's :)

2012-01-09T16:43:00.002Z

I could relate to this. A lot.

2012-01-08T11:41:00.001Z

When you stop trying to impress people around you, you start tasting the freedom of becoming yourself. :)

2012-01-07T08:24:00.002Z

A resolution I hope to make true by the end of this month! :) insya Allah.

"Start my day early and fill my mornings with three things; 1) Deen improvement 2) Health maintenance 3) General knowledge enhancement"

Hadis 16: Jangan Marah

2012-01-05T21:51:00.002Z

Dari Abu Hurairah R.A ada seorang lelaki berkata kepada Nabi S.A.W: "Berilah aku wasiat." Rasullullah bersabda: "Jangan marah!" Beliau mengulang beberapa kali ucapan, "Jangan marah." (Riwayat Bukhari)

Its been a while since I was angry. Reminder to myself.

2012-01-05T14:28:00.003Z

"wipe your tears away, arinah. it is time to face life. it doesn't have to be exactly the way you want it. but it is temporary. may your heart come to be invincible to worldly things, and be vulnerable to Allah alone."

when I'm frustrated or sad, i would always write. whatever is there in my head will be transferred to paper. and i will stop writing when i see something sensible written on the screen or paper in front of me. and the quote above is the sensible thing today that made me stop.

i had the liberty to read the first post i did in 2012 back then. not so many posts away. and i remembered that i wrote my intention to put this blog to more of a good use. if you have been reading it from the first post i ever did here, you'd see that it used to be a lot of 'ilm and thoughts. now is just frustrations, frustrations, frustrations. I'm not defending myself, i think it is not good. but it is me. perhaps, when i created this blog in the first place, i told myself that if i couldn't be anything else here, i would be one thing, honest.

right now, if perhaps i am at the low point of myself, trying to push myself harder. it has only been the fifth day of the year but so many things happened already. i had a taste of what it takes to do the right thing, the terrible urge of evilness and the urge to be mean filling me, differentiating between many things, got some answers and saw a person collapsing to death right in front of my eyes.

what it takes to do the right thing is does not mean being nice and tolerant all the time. it is being just according to everyone's rights. And not neglecting one's rights for another, just because you pity a person. sometimes you have to be the bad guy to do the right thing. but then when you're in that position, evilness and meanness lure you to the dark side. And thats where just balances one to not be inclined towards feelings, but instead, doing what's right.

i learnt to differentiate between age and maturity, being firm and being mean, being nice and doing the right thing, and of all, being oppressed or victimising your own self.

Which question of mine did I get answers for? The question was simple. When would be the turning point when you suddenly run out of the momentum to be steadfast to Allah? The answer is, the moment you abandon Allah. It is really simple, but somehow, deep.

And ending this post, I'd write what Nazi wrote to me this morning, which is meaningful, I do think. :)

"..And that our heart isn't disabled for caring more. Perhaps right now it's difficult but that feeling will pass. Being women we can't escape from those periods of feeling low, that's just how we are. To feel devastated is really isn't something we can control.."

I just thought. Maybe we wouldn't be too hard on ourselves if we really truly understand ourselves. :)

2012-01-05T07:38:00.002Z

not taken for granted after all :)

Differentiating

2012-01-04T22:00:00.004Z

Last night, it was the first after a long time that I completely lost it. My temper. I burst into such anger. And for the first time, my anger came without tears. My tears only fell when I talked to one person. One person who used to make me feel like he's going to be there for me for the rest of my life. Used to. I wonder if my tears are not lying. That I still want to believe that that is still true. It isn't. Not anymore.

Life came in. And I'm just a place to ask for help. Another person taken for granted. Another face in a brink of a moment that fades. But who asked me to give my heart in the first place? The world doesn't have any such thing as a full refund. Just a refund of a broken heart. And I have to live with that.

Weird, I thought I'd stop crying over split milk. I haven't.

Sometimes I worry if I would suddenly decide to not live with a broken heart, and live with no heart instead.

Funny I wanted to write about something entirely different when I started typing. A call would just make so much difference.

2012

2012-01-01T07:41:00.003Z

Its funny that I can't think of a perfect start for this entry for the start of the year :P

As usual, from here, there's a great celebration with many going out to party at the streets at night. And yes, living in the centre of it all, I can hear people cheering loudly with the music and everything even before the clock strikes 12. -_-' Aware of the many drunks walking the streets that night, Ain and I still decided to have a night out.

We went to watch a movie with a very sad ending. :'( After that, I realised that I only ate a bowl of maggi the whole day, hence we stopped by my usual kebab place to buy a burger or something. I haven't been there for quite a while. I used to know all the workers there and they'd always make me tea and catch up with me whenever I come. Sometimes, if the place is too crowded with men, they'd let me sit in the kitchen, and send me my food there. The kebab place is quite different last night. I noticed that the people I know gets less, sadly. There are too many that I do not know of, and instead of the warm greeting that has always been there, it is now quite strange. I've always loved that place. Luckily, the owner came. Gosh am I happy to see him :) He's this aged man who is really kind and generous. "Pick a drink, it is on me." :) haha, he saved the usual reminder to me that I shouldn't be out on these kinds of nights. "Not good for young woman like you." he'd say.

New Year is not really something festive to me. For me, it would be just changing my journals, watching fireworks and another holiday the next day. Oh yes, and remembering to write the right date and not to remain in the previous year. It is nothing more than just another day. I guess it is really because I appreciate events or places for their history. And I don't really know a history of the New Year. Different from Maal Hijrah :)

But wouldn't hurt to have new resolutions right? Why not? :) I mean, I do think that we can have resolutions everyday. Haha. Every hour of the day if it is to be me :P

Perhaps the one thing I wanna do this year, is really put this blog at good use. I haven't been writing like I used to. Now is a lot of frustrations, I think, and less 'ilm. Why, you ask? I guess because I haven't been finding it as much as I used to.

Im still bugged by why, and Nazi pointed out that perhaps it is because there must be somewhere, somehow, that there are basic things in Islam that we didn't understand. And I think she's right. There is something vital, that I think we both missed, and that's repelling me, and it is making me come back to square one every time. To think that there are bad habits or sins that I thought I have settled, that I have been able to control, and suddenly to realise, that I haven't. Sometimes, it backfires and becomes worse.

Or maybe I was just asking too many questions, going into too much details, to the extent that it consumes me. And 2011 has been that. Searching for answers. I found some, but many remained unanswered. I am sure that the answer is there. I just don't know how to get from here to there.

Someone told me that I shouldn't dwell too much on what is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong in this world. Honestly, that is something I think, I find difficulty to accept.

Someone else told me that as I grow older, I would realise that this world is not black and white. There are shades of grey here and there. I do agree on that.

But isn't the former and the latter about the same thing? Why is it so hard to accept the first one, but so easy to accept the second one?

I once wrote here, that I want to be the real deal. Be like the pages of my journal to everyone around me. Alhamdulillah, day by day, I am starting to be that :) Be real and honest with people around me. Made my choices and be responsible for them. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah :)

But along the way, I have been doing many stupidities that I do aim within myself not to repeat but no regrets, however. I really learnt from them. They are the source of my humility, now and perhaps in the future. The realisation that I am flawed. And I am grateful to Allah that He saved me from myself, covered my mistakes and gave me chances. And I hope that all of that wouldn't come to waste someday. Insya Allah.

I hold on to this strongly: "you can always ask Allah for forgiveness, but you can never give up on Him."

And stepping into 2012, i am going to hold on to that.

And that if I would want a person to see me, I wouldn't want anyone to neither admire me nor hate. I just want to be a work in progress. With many rooms of improvement, and always working towards the better. That I will be wrong too sometimes, and not always right. That I might change your mind, or you might change mine.

And on that note, I hope that the days that come by after this would soften my ego to accept differences in opinions and that I find wisdom in my words and actions to share my faith and beliefs to others.

have a good 2012 :)

2011-12-31T09:10:00.003Z

you used to take care of me last winter, when i was sick. I always catch all these cold and cough during this time of the year. you reminded me how it feels to be taken care of. you taught me that as much as i have to take care of others, i have to ask to be supported too.

now you're far away.

and you're not there anymore to take care of me.

i don't know if you even care anymore.

now when I am sick, I'd remember that version of you, who would go out at 6 am to just get me a bottle of medicine. That would make me drink so much water no matter how much I complained. That would always come with just the right subway sandwich so that I'd eat. That you could make me feel better just by being there.

I miss that version of you. That version of you who loved me.

maybe it is really for the best, that you're gone. There are more important things in this world..than me.

2011-12-28T14:13:00.001Z

i have an interview tomorrow. i am a work in progress. pray for me guys :)

2011-12-28T14:12:00.001Z

its not about succeeding or failing. it is about the fact that I've tried my best.

2011-12-26T23:35:00.002Z

Have you ever felt helpless?

That one day, you feel like you want to be part of a promised victory, but then you look around you, and you realise that you're not capable of making any change at all to the ones you love.

You seem to do so many things for the people around you, but you can't seem to do anything for the ones dearest to you.

Suddenly there's this blurred line that you can't seem to find between sharing what you know with someone and imposing your beliefs on someone.

Suddenly there's this blurred line between judging someone and not wanting someone to ruin him or herself.

Suddenly someone tells you that there's no right or wrong in this world, yet you believe that there are rules governing humankind, just that, not all realise that they are.

Suddenly, you feel like you want to be useful, but all you ended up being is useless.

It started out full of inspiration, full of hope, full of life.

Now, all I do is disappoint myself.

All I want to be is a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, and a good servant to Allah.

But now, it seems like I don't know how to be that anymore.

2011-12-26T08:19:00.002Z

I miss the calmness of a majlis 'ilm.

2011-12-20T01:44:00.003Z

today, i talked to a person i used to only watch from a distance. it reminded me of a feeling two years ago, when i watched that person stepped in the train, and disappeared. i thought id never see that person again. now I do, and months from now, I'm going to step on the plane and leave my life here behind to start a new one.

i'm not ready for another round of those feelings again. see that person for the last time, and knowing it is perhaps the last time you'd see that person again..not knowing, if it was something or..simply nothing.

2011-12-19T00:07:00.002Z

"you have to be what the ummah needs. do not look at others around you, look at yourself." -muslema purmul-

The MAB conference makes me think of mainly two things.

First, of my youth. What have I done with it so far? There was one speaker, a youth who says.

Being a muslim and a youth makes one unstoppable.

So what does that make me?

And second, of how we are always obsessed with superficiality not substance.

A speaker who is a revert said that the Muslim community is always obsessed with the Islamization of everything. We try to label everything up till even our toothpaste, but yet we do not convey the values Islam brings. By labels, we are creating an us and them community. We are creating our own society within the society. What we fail to recognise is the importance of assimilating in the society we live in.

If I would have to summarise it all in one sentence, I'd say that:

We often forget that Islam is not just the mercy of Allah to us muslims, but it is a mercy of Allah to the whole of mankind. Hence, we have to put ourselves out there and get involved. Be involved and more importantly, be relevant to humankind.

2011-12-14T01:05:00.001Z

She's just being a girl. She loves blindly and recklessly, even though it consumes her.

Yeah. I guess.

a cup of tea

2011-12-11T21:16:00.003Z

This is a simple story that made me ponder upon the deepest depth of my own life. I hope it does the same to you too. :)

Once, there were a group of alumni from a university decided to visit their old, favourite lecturer who had by then, retired from teaching. They came to his home, and was received with open arms. The lecturer motioned them to sit around in the living room, and made themselves comfortable while he prepared some tea. So they did. While waiting, they started talking about their lives after graduating. The topic revolved around what you would imagine it would be for a group of classmates who are reunited after so long. They started talking about their lives, their jobs, their relationships. One complained about how his life was different from what he wanted it to be. Another mentioned a low salary. Dissatisfaction with their current position. Envy over others who have succeeded way beyond what they did.

And the lecturer smiled and came in with a teapot filled with tea, and various mugs for the group of young people in his living room. The students stared at the mugs on the table. One was made from gold, another from silver. Another from a very rare metal. And the list goes on.

"Pick a mug and I'll pour you some tea." the old man said.

The students each picked one and while enjoying their tea, they eyed each other's mugs.

The old man then said, "This is how your life is. You care too much about what mug you're using, and you eyed others' mugs with envy. Yet, the simple reality is that, everyone is simply drinking tea, and because you think too much about the mug, you forget to enjoy your tea."

Growing up

2011-12-10T12:16:00.001Z

To know and accept that there are things that you just can't do, and that you need to ask for help if you want to be helped. To know that you can't please everybody no matter how much you want to. To accept that you can make the best of plans, yet you have no control of it. To realise that people can't read your mind and you can't always read others'. (that's where words come in!) and to understand that you don't need to agree with people you love and that they don't necessary want what you want, and they don't necessarily see the world the way you do, and that you can't always save them, that they have to fight their own fights. You can just be there for them. :)

2011-12-06T18:08:00.001Z

"bermimpilah yang tinggi-tinggi, tapi kau harus tahu bahawa jalan kepada impianmu itu tidak mudah."-sang pemimpi- (sang pemimpi made me smile. :) lately my big dream seems out of reach, it made me feel like there's nothing wrong in daring to dream big. )

2011-12-06T08:19:00.001Z

Tough times last, tough people don't. Insya Allah. Ya Allah kurniakan pengampunanMu buat hambaMu yang lemah ini. Dan kurniakan diriku hidayah dan kekuatan untuk tetap berada di jalan ini. Ameen.

2011-12-06T00:21:00.001Z

Perjalanan ini adalah perjalanan yang jauh, penuh dengan onak dan duri. Ramai yang lari tanpa menyedari bahawa di jalan ini juga letaknya kebahagiaan yang hakiki. Mana mungkin sesuatu yang mahal itu mudah digapai.

Testing

2011-12-05T11:13:00.001Z

I'm just gonna see how it is posting a post from an iPod touch :)

2011-11-30T23:15:00.003Z

"When you're out there looking for the perfect person, keep these things in mind - people change, no matter how hard they try not to. As you grow older you mature, and with each new level of maturity come different ideas, different needs and wants. The person who was perfect for you at twenty could be the person you hate when you're thirty-five. You have to find someone who will grow with you, change with you, laugh with you and cry with you. A person who fills in where you lack, a person whom you can fill in for when they are lacking. But what about the perfect person , you ask? They do not exist. There are no perfect people, only people who are perfect for each other. You deserve to be happy not in the arms of someone who keeps you waiting, but in the arms of someone who will take you now."
-J. M Whitaker-

They say, "Loving someone is easy, but loving someone for a lifetime-now that's a miracle" :)

Perhaps, what we often leave out of the equation of love, is that, Allah ties between two hearts, in partnership, in friendship and all the "ships" there is.

2011-11-28T14:17:00.003Z

"Antara kebahagiaan seorang anak Adam itu adalah seorang wanita yang solehah, dan antara kesengsaraan seorang anak Adam adalah wanita yang jahat."

O Allah, make me the happiness of the people around me, and if being a happiness to them is something yet so far, do point me to that direction and protect me from being a source of misery to the people around me.

Ameen.

2011-11-27T18:15:00.003Z

I need help.

Freedom of speech

2011-11-26T13:15:00.002Z

College Green. It is this big green park in between the cathedral and the city council building. This year, I live really near to it, and I would definitely pass by it everyday. For months now, the place witnessed a very persistent demonstration against the government. I admire the determination of this group that I thought is the longest to fight their cause ever since I've been here (which is three years). They have tents and a campfire and night. You get leaflets as you pass by. And probably if you're lucky, one of them would come up and have a chat to you about it. Yes, occupy bristol. Thats the name of this group. It basically opposes the capitalism system itself that favours the rich ones. They fight against decreased pensions and higher taxes. And they intend to stay throughout winter. (In the super cold nights!)

I was walking pass by college green yesterday, when I see a lot of people crowding out in the middle of College green. There was this small stage with a sign, Speaker's corner. And a girl, probably my age, probably..even younger than me, is talking about her views. "If we don't stand for our rights, no one will!" she said with utmost confidence, and the people cheered for her. Next came a 60 year old woman, than another slightly younger woman, all giving their views that I thought is really interesting.

Honestly, I am inspired. First, the real assertion of freedom of speech. They welcome anyone, just anyone, to come up and give a piece of their mind, even if it is one that opposes their demonstration against the government. One said that even Cameron came down to one of these sessions in the Occupy London movement. I thought that was cool. I don't think I ever saw anything like this before. Where anyone can just say whatever he or she really honestly thinks.

And the second one, is that, I am inspired by the young people, standing up for their people. These days, everywhere I am, I feel that a big group of youths are absorbed in entertainment or fun and fun and fun. Not that I'm saying that having fun is wrong. No. Just that, because most of our generation are dominated by that, it is hard to find youths that care about these things. That stand in one line with older generation to protect the rights of people, to fight for a cause, to fight what is just.

Truth to be told, sometimes, people say that politics divide people and all those sorts of things. But to me, honestly, I find hope when I look at politics. Because in the middle of all those corruption etc, there are also politicians who really care about their nation's and country's future. In the middle of all that, you find youths that give you hope, that the future will have these people to protect it.

2011-11-23T23:36:00.003Z

I worked hard in the library for this particular assignment. I went from one book to another, and tried as hard as I could. My teacher assessed it, and returned it to me yesterday. I looked at the mark on the paper. Zero. Zero over hundred.

"You haven't understood the fundamental idea of this mathematical concept, Siti. Don't worry, I will not key in this particular mark, but you have got to really understand it." he said.

What more is there to understand? I sighed.

And I thought. A fighter for Islam doesn't give up and is not easily brought down. They stand up from every fall, without complain. Because they have two things: sincerity and faith.

I wonder, O Allah, in Your assessment on me, would you give me a zero over hundred too?

Forgive

2011-11-21T13:11:00.003Z

Today is not supposed to be a break. It is supposed to be a day that I catch up with things. A trigger that is supposed to be small led me to a breakdown. Maybe because when it is easier to be full of energy for some people, it is not for me. I keep trying, and failing.

Perhaps one thing during the weekend made me think. There are things in the past I am still incapable of forgiving and letting go. I have always wondered why I always find myself holding really tight to something, and I find it hard to let go when it is not mine anymore. And I though busying myself would solve the problem. Sooner or later, I'd forget all about it and it will fade.

But what hurts a lot is that I can't seem to do that. Let go.

And I realised that what Im doing isn't solving the problem. I need to be able to forgive.

That is making my heart feels really hard, and that hard heart is the one hurting me. Not the pain of losing something.

http://www.iluvislam.com/tazkirah/nasihat/3953-maafkanlah-mereka.html

This made me realise that.

beautiful

2011-11-16T11:14:00.001Z

i find this close to my heart. feels like these words that never fails to make me smile:) Beautiful by boona ahmed ^^

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejPZdadYab4

:)

2011-11-16T11:08:00.002Z

"Be nice and sincere, you might have your heart broken once or twice, but most of the time, you're safe."
I have always lived by this saying. Lately, it feels hard to hold on to it. Once, I remembered my friend asking me, "Is it easier to hate and hurt instead?"
"It is always easier to do that. But in life, things that are worthwhile don't come easy." Maybe now it is time for me to tell that to myself.

3.30 am

2011-11-15T03:40:00.002Z

Finally, one essay finished. This essay that I cried halfway doing. I didn't imagine how hard it would be. I believe third year would be me crying my eyes out while trying to figure and understand everything, and at the same time forcing myself to go beyond what I think is my ability. Doesn't mean I hate it. I actually enjoy my third year more than the years before. Because it really challenges me. Now, I can smile. An accomplishment I never thought would be possible. Insya Allah a tarbiyah for myself. To achieve something that is beyond what you can reach requires a sacrifice of your norm. Sacrifice is not similar to giving. Giving your time to something means, giving part of what you conveniently have. Sacrificing is about giving something that you thought you do not have in you. And when you sacrifice, you realise that with Allah's help, and when He wills it, that you are capable of many things you didn't know before. Alhamdulillah :)

Perhaps, I think, being an ideal muslimah is something I feel so out of reach. Maybe the problem does not lie in how far it is away from my reach, maybe the problem is that I confuse giving with sacrifice.

Semoga bermanfaat. Wallahu'alam :)

2011-11-07T18:35:00.004Z

Have you ever been in between one hardship to another, things suffocating you without even giving you room to breathe, and you have no choice but to keep going on and on..and move forward. Push aside those voices in your head reminding you of your failures. Kill all the songs your heart sings over acknowledgement of dunya. And standing up from fall after fall. And all that for that one second when you could smile and look up to the sky. And your heart can whisper, "This is how this path is supposed to be. And that You're paying attention to me." :)

01.11.11

2011-11-01T18:25:00.003Z

Salam alayk :)

Here I am. Again. ^^ After what? A month? Maybe more? Yes. Why did I delete this blog? I can never remember why. Perhaps, that's me, wondering if ever, whatever I write should be for the eyes of so many people. I don't know myself. I wonder what do you think of it.

I guess I undeleted it again, because of one of the birthday wishes today. :) I think the person would know herself already. Ohh..birthday? Yes, I am 21 years old today :) Adult..by definition of the modern world. By Allah's definition, I am already an adult, many years ago.

I thought it'd be nice to write about today. :) Why? Because as years pass by, my definition of birthdays began to change. I realised that birthdays are not about the birthday boy or the birthday girl. It is more of, about the other people. Birthdays are for you to realise that there are so many people in this world that Allah has opened their hearts to care for you. And that Allah's love is vast and is indescribable through words. Birthdays is also a reminder of how the nearer we are to that definite moment of meeting Allah. And we need to grow up and not run from the reality of this life.

Have you ever recited and pondered upon the meaning of Al Buruj before? :) Well, a few days ago, a sister taught me about the meaning of the Surah Al Buruj. It'd be a long post if I were to type everything. But there was this part that I thought would be relevant to this post. :)

You see the earlier part of Al Buruj..the first three verses of it. Allah talks about the vast heavens beyond our skies, where planets move around according to their orbits. Allah talks about Al Buruj..the stars in the skies, that we see from earth as small twinkling lights at night. When in fact, those stars, were actually faraway planets in the endless heavens of the universe. Do we really know where the universe ends? No, we define it as the indefinite infinity. And then Allah brings our thoughts towards the afterlife in the second verse. And do you see the similarities between these two. The heavens (universe) and the afterlife?

Yes, they are both really are something that we do not know for sure of..where it is ending. And that our planet, earth, that we are living in that seems large this very second, is only simply a small dot in the big universe. Similar to the life we live now, is only a short moment of a long lasting life that travels way after death. Both goes to infinity, where we know of no ending.

Anyway, today? Well, it started with a cake at approximately midnight. When the clock strikes 12, someone woke me up, and I find myself with three people singing me happy birthday, with a beautiful cake full of strawberries and cream! :) Next, a call from my little brother :D followed by a weird dream of 3 hours of sleep, and the thought of a really hectic day today. I had no gaps at all today. No time to sit and take a breath. That are my Tuesdays now. Really. And today, is no exception.

I didn't really expect much, because really, right now, I am still in the library working, after finishing my class at 6pm just now..and I plan to work till this library closes..which is 10pm. I have an important lecture I cannot afford to come unprepared.

But it is amazing, how people can find time in between to celebrate :)

I woke up..and my phone was vibrating..my parents wishing me happy birthday. And I had to say, "Thank you for taking care of me for 21 years now." Wow. 21 years is a long time to be patient with a girl like me.

Went to class, and met my friend who convinced me to skip a class :P Another friend who bumped into me, and bought me a necklace. A beautiful one that says "happiness" ^^ Another, wishing me so loudly in the middle of the lecture hall, that I turned really red. Haha. Another whispering in the silent study area of a computer room. Of course, my best friend texted me in the middle of the lecture at a nice timing too-that one moment when the lecturer is looking at me while explaining, and stared at my vibrating phone :P Hmm. (I waited eagerly for her text, so I guess the lecturer could see my excitement :P) Another friend, that stopped me in the middle of the road and wished me happy birthday. Lucky, we didn't get hit by a car! Lots and lots of wishes on fb (including from my favourite author! :)) and loads of texts too! :)

I went babysitting, and the two girls were like..O_O today's your birthday? We must celebrate! haha. They didn't let me do any hard work. No washing the dishes. I can only heat up lunch and they would wipe the table and set the table for me today. Another friend (who's babysitting with me) came up late. Why? She had a cake with her. Another cake! :) And they sang happy birthday to me together. :)

And here I am, now, in the library, studying Public Economics in a few minutes. ^^

Today, I see a lot of people that care. And that Allah has blessed me with countless blessings. 21 years is a long time. I wonder if I have done enough to prove my love to Allah. Feels like there are so many things to do. So little time.

Thank you Allah for all these blessings. The sunny day today. And the beautiful rain last night. Everything.

and thank you to everyone that had been and still is in my life..and taught me from the most little things to the major ones. :)

Love, arine :)

thoughts and dreams

2011-09-14T16:43:00.003+01:00

I didnt know that it would still hurt. But, not as much as before. Just this slight feeling that comes for a second, and fades. I think facebook does a lot of damage to me than to make me feel connected. Why? Because it is hard to put someone you want to remain in the past, to stay there, in the past. Unless you delete that person. I stay away from facebook a lot these days. Because I dont feel that it is right. To be hurt, when the person doesnt mean to hurt you at all.
I found a quote yesterday that says: "The most selfless thing to do is to not be hurt". I thought that was deep. Ironically I used to think that to be selfless is to hurt yourself, and not others. But lately I realized that it is not. To hurt yourself, without others knowing, for the sake of others, would damage you, and eventually..it will show. And you create guilt, or making people feel like they owe you. And I realized lately that to make people feel guilty is a very selfish thing to do.
Then, why is it selfless to not be hurt? I thought it was interesting that it was a "be" not a "get". I do think that when we understand something, we will not be offended by it. And I think, when you understand the little things about someone, you understand what he or she does, and it is not easy to be hurt. You get it.
But to really understand a person, means that one must really eliminate this feeling of being self revolved. And that's a big thing and a hard thing to do. I dont know, I think, I think about myself more than others a lot of times.
There is still a lot to learn right?

You know, lately Ive been thinking. I really want to be real. You know, the real deal, just being who I really am with others. But then, I thought, how could I be real, and improving myself at the same time? What if, I want to be better, and I try being something that is normally not me? Where is the line separating hypocrisy and trying to be better, but really struggling with it?
Big question right? HELP ME :D

And by the way, due to education needs, I finally got myself a proper laptop. :) a Macbook Pro. Alhamdulillah. :)) You know, there is something interesting about it. There is this dashboard screen that I could customise my widgets, what I want to put there on the screen. Gosh, I was so excited! :) Why? Well, because I thought that there were so many feelings within me.
You know, they are all mixed up. Like, I want to try to really be close to Allah, and I keep failing disastrously, and having to pick myself up again, and try again...and with so many things to do, I dont know where to start, and it feels like there is so little time, and there are bad habits I should have got over already. And then there are feelings about heartbreaks, from realizing that years of friendship can fade within a second sometimes, and minds can changed even if you put yourself out there to believe. And then, there are fears within. My drive to try to be more matured. Etc.
So I arranged post-its widgets across the screen, and wrote quotes that really illustrated my feelings. Haha, it was such a relief! :) And as I did that, I thought, Shen would totally say, "This is so Arine" Huu :P Anyway, I thought, there are scars waiting to be healed, dreams to be realized, forgiveness to truly be meant, change desperately required, and the quest to find Allah's love here...and I have to just change the negatives into positives, or at least, something that would push me to a better place.
So I thought, I would put a better quote on the negatives, when I have found the cure to them, the answers...and really do that, when I am ready to move from this quote to a better one. :) And insya Allah, I hope that eventually, all these quotes would drive me to one feeling, which is to find Allah. I guess, it is a place that I thought that I would be honest with myself, and see how much feelings in there, are attached to the dunya, and how much are attached to Allah. I hope, that insya Allah, I could turn my attachment to the dunya towards Allah someday. Fully.
:)
Haha, some idea right? :D

A friend quoted what I wrote to her on her birthday in 2007. That year, we were in high school, and I loved talking to her. I remembered that I could always be myself with her, and I hope that she was like that too with me. But anyway, I gave her a letter for her birthday. I wrote how much she meant to me. :) I guess, that's the most meaningful present I could give to anyone. An honest letter. I think just a few people have that. But when I really care about somebody, I'd write them a letter.
She recently quoted one sentence to me:
"She is like the pages on a journal. You can always trust her not to stop you from being yourself."
I smiled. Yes, that was what I really thought of her.
You know, I have this wish that I hope could come true someday. I want to be able to treat everyone like how I perceive the pages on my journal. To be fully myself. And for me, it is something that takes a lot of courage.
Hopefully it would come true someday :)

Okayy, I should sleep now. Wouldnt want to miss Fajr. :)

Take care dear readers, wherever you are :)

2011-09-14T16:32:00.002+01:00

I knelt to You again today, repeating that same prayer I always did,
Trying to mean at least half of it,
Because I need all of it,
And waiting for these tears to fall, because all I want to feel right now,
Is to be close to You,
My tears is stuck between, not strong enough feeling of sincerity,
And not wanting them to fall just because someone broke my heart,
Oh Allah,
How could my heart feel hard and fragile at the same time?
Oh Allah,
I want to be the real deal, the real me,
But what if the real me is not good enough?
Or is it because I haven't found the real me yet?
Oh Allah,
please make me cry this very second, before anything else does,
I desperately want to make it right.

Forgive me when I whine.

2011-09-14T15:32:00.004+01:00

Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiF1s44ptUE :) this song almost made me cry :')

maturity

2011-09-06T12:33:00.002+01:00

"maturity is not about talking big things, it is about understanding small things.."

i got this quote from the facebook newsfeed. :D thats like my hobby these days. Hunt for good quotes on newsfeed, and beneficial things. They say how facebook is, depends on how you use it. :)

that quote just made me think about the whole idea of maturity. maybe thats why i dont feel so matured most of the time. maybe because i was always talking about big things, and ignorant over small things.

:)

The irony of marriage

2011-09-06T07:39:00.003+01:00

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men, for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married." -Katherine Hepburn-

(Credits to kak Q :D )

I'd rather one honest criticism than many false admiration that sometimes are not even me.

I thought, I like the irony of it.

:)

Back on track... Insya Allah! (:

2011-09-05T14:31:00.003+01:00

"And ask for Allah's help with patience and solah, for those are heavy matters, except for those who are khusyu' (in their solah).." (Al Baqarah)

1) From Abu Hurairah R.A:

Rasulullah S.A.W once said, "If there is a river that flows to the front door of one of you, and you bathe in it 5 times a day. Will there be anymore dirt left on your body?"

They answered: Surely there won't be any.

Rasulullah S.A.W said: "That is similar to you when you pray 5 times a day everyday, Allah forgives your sins through it."

2) From Uthman Bin Affan R.A:

Rasulullah S.A.W once said, "There will be no Muslim, that when the praying time arrives, that he performs a complete ablution, khusyu' in his solah, rukuk with perfection, unless that his solah becomes an eliminator of all sins he has done beforehand while he stays away from the major sins. This continues until the end of times."

:)

this summer.

2011-09-05T03:20:00.003+01:00

can't believe summer's ending soon. i know what will follow after this. me boarding the plane back to the other side of the globe, trying hard to hold back my tears, and getting over the homesickness. figured why I like to travel back to the uk alone?
that is probably one of the reasons. there are many other reasons too. like, i just like sometime on my own. i'm a loner at nature, i do think. I love solitary moments and I let only a few intrude in them. but in some ways, I know this would be my last year there, and I know I would miss it tremendously. Bristol is close to my heart now. Everything about it :) It holds a lot of beautiful memories now.
but you know what's special about this summer? I learnt a lot of things.

I learnt that family does mean a lot in one's life. I know it is cliche, but if you look around, you'd realize that the people of today dont really hold on to this much. People of the last generation did, but now, family is more defined as the people who are regular to you, sometimes don't need to be linked by blood relations. Not that I have anything against that definition of family. I believe in that definition too. I have that too. Like Nazi, she feels more like family than a friend now :) but what I realized is that, the family linked by blood ties shouldn't be neglected too, which most of us do.
Because, they teach you about accepting. They remind you that when you love someone, you love them as a whole. No exceptions. :)
Especially your parents. You see, when I came back this summer, my big brother and big sister, both have a child of their own. And when I look at how they care for their child, how much they love them, how far they're willing to go to the extent of ensuring they have the best of everything made me realize things about my parents. I didnt remember how they were when I was little.
But I do think, they would have been something like my big brother and my big sister to their kids. I realized that all I remembered was when they were scolding me or the mistakes they made on me. But then, when I look at my baby pictures again, it gave me a different meaning. They did love me unconditionally. They still do now.

And I guess, I learnt about reconciliations with the past. I realized that keeping grudges is an extension of blaming anything else but you for your past mistakes. When you realize that we're all flawed human beings and we all share a part in something that happens, be it, good or bad, forgiving and forgetting is easier. You'd realize the beauty of an apology.
And perhaps when you love and let someone close to your heart, it might end up ugly sometimes. But I read once, that, always be sincere, you might get your heart broken once in a while, but most of the time, you're safe. :) There's not really much point in getting angry about things happening months or years ago. There's a lot of point to reflect and see where it went wrong, be open about it, and move on, knowing you'd never do the same mistake again. Keep the good memories, and leave the bad ones behind.
I realized how hard forgiving truly is. Sometimes you thought you have forgave things, but as long as it haunts you, you'd know that you haven't, wholeheartedly. When you truly forgive, it makes it easy to leave who or what is necessary in the past, to remain there, in the past.
Then, you can move on and start anew. Know that it is always easy to go back to what is familiar, but it would be not be as worthwhile as to be a stranger again, and find many other places that have their doors open for you. Finding familiarity in new worlds with new people.

"When you think of those songs we used to sing at the radio together and apart, the waves of life we had, know that you'll always have my past. No one can take that away from you. But my present and my future belongs to me, and I will share it with someone else, or at least, I will." :)

and here I am, stranger again.

an important note.

2011-09-05T02:54:00.004+01:00

Salam alayk. :) I know. I deleted again. These days I am in a dilemma of really letting my insights go public. Especially when the things I write are not the things I actually do. Last time, I deleted because I felt that all the stuff I have been posting aren't what I'm actually practising in my everyday life. I thought of really deleting this blog permanently, LOTS of times. But when I look again, I realized that this blog is one of the dearest things to me. Perhaps, because it holds a lot of memories. It is almost three years now.

Why the dilemma? Because
1) Im afraid of creating confusion and misunderstandings about Islam, for truthfully, I'm not as equipped with enough knowledge, i do think. I merely write what I read, what I learn and what I think. and
2) Sometimes I write about personal stuff here, that is an expression of a current moment of immaturity, where I'm at this self that follows her emotions a little bit too much..and I get people asking me, if something is wrong with my family and friends and so on. Truth is, they're not, and in most cases, I overreact a lot, which I'm trying not to do now. You see, I make loads of mistakes, and I tend to learn as much about them as I can. But I process things by writing. And I think, what comforts me a lot is when I read about things that I could relate to. And I thought, maybe, writing it here, it would be a comfort to some readers, that they could relate to it too. That you know, hey, there's another person in this world who's a clumsy, emotional girl too with "teenager-ish" problems :P I didn't realize that there are people who are really reading my blog and are concerned. I appreciate it :) But yeah, it gave me a perspective on the impression of a reader on my blog.

But then, I realized that, being me, this is perhaps, the one place, I could be me. And I figured, there are a few dear old friends that checks on me through here. Life's complicated sometimes, and perhaps within the complications, this blog is perhaps the one connection they have left of me. And I think, they'd really hate me if I delete this blog :P And I guess, it would be selfish of me to just do that, as quoted from a friend. Okayy. people just have to start commenting okay! Then I actually do realize you exist =_=" how am I supposed to know? I thought I was talking to myself all these while here =_="

But, a point of a friend who I think knows me well is that, I do best when I'm not trying to impress anyone. So, I should keep it that way.

So, in conclusion, I'm keeping this blog. Okay, happy now? :P haha. Im happy too. To that particular person, thanks for convincing me to undelete it and to keep it going. :)

BUT,

with one condition.

PLEASE DO NOT TREAT THIS BLOG AS A SOLE REFERENCE FOR ANY FACTS FOR THIS IS NOT A STRONG REFERENCE IN ANY WAY. IT IS MERELY THOUGHTS AND INSIGHTS OF AN INDIVIDUAL THAT CAN BE ARGUED. PLEASE TAKE ANY PERSONAL INSIGHTS AS SIMPLY THE WRITINGS OF A GIRL GROWING UP. SHE IS CAPABLE OF EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS TOO. SO, DO NOT ASSUME THINGS OUT OF IT, OKAY?

:)

and about writing things that I do not practise, I will be more careful from now on. Insya Allah.

2011-08-22T16:04:00.005+01:00

"It is not said, I always know."

Since yesterday, I dont know why, I am depressed. I can't even bring myself to speak a lot to the people around me. I just tend to smile when people try to talk, with hope, deep down, people will not make me talk. I mean, I dont mind listening, just not the talking. I can't explain why. It is just a time where you need a person to just give a kind word, and perhaps, a hug. Simple things could undo it. But you never ask for it, because when someone does that after being asked, it defeats the whole purpose of it. Weird.

I communicate with babies instead. Correction. Toddlers. :) I forgot how fast they can grow. :) Somehow, both of them cannot talk, but they are the little people that made me laugh a great deal today. One is of course, my very brilliant nephew zaki, and luqman, my mum's friend's little son who comes over sometimes when his mum is out working. I dont know what it is. Perhaps, their vocabulary of ta-ta-ta or ba-ba that could really be used universally for everything. Or hehe, their curiosity of running around and around, especially if i chase them. Gosh.

Zaki has a lot of adults in this house paying their whole attention to him alone. Well, can't blame him, he is so cute! :) But then, when luqman comes around, I guess Zaki is new when it comes to sharing. His uncle and aunties are his property, out of bounds to luqman. :P haha. When I started playing with luqman and carrying him around, suddenly, Zaki ran and hugged my right leg, crying. Because I cant really carry both, (Theyre heavy okay!) so, I had to put luqman down for him to stop crying. And Zaki was still babbling when I put luqman down. He was like pointing to Luqman's bibik, and babbling "ta-ta-ta. Abah!" (translated to: this is my auntie! Go to your own bibik!) hahah. I thought that was cute of Zaki :)

Then, they were fighting over the same big ball. By the way, Zaki's trademark word is "Abah". And while they were trying to pull the ball to their own direction, Zaki was like saying "Abah" in a strong tone. Luqman was more of a silent fighter, he looked at Zaki, who is bigger in size than him with that determination that says, Im going to get this ball! But Zaki gave a final thug, and the ball is his. Zaki turned away with victory, still continuing to say "Abah" but in a victorious tone. Hehe. Suddenly, Luqman says, "Abah!" Haha, gosh I was surprised. I was so impressed. I was kind of excited because I havent heard him said that word before. Say it again, I said to him. And he said with that determined face again, "Abah". How he laughed when I clapped so hard for him. That is so cute! :)

Finally, after playing around, I got really tired. So I lay down, and watched the TV in front of me. For a second, I thought about the things bothering me. I stared blankly at the ceiling above me. Suddenly, Luqman stood right above my head, and looked at me, upside down. He smiled. Aww, he has such a sweet smile. :) Suddenly, Zaki ran towards where I was lying down and started giving this very sweet smile of his. I laughed. Is this a smiling contest? =_=" I started laughing. And they started laughing too. And each tried to laugh louder than the other. Making me laugh really hard. It is like I'm joining the laughing contest now.

But I guess, for that one moment, I had that kind gesture I needed. Someone who would just smile at me, without me asking.

I wonder sometimes, how it feels to have children. People say it is a blessing, but it comes with a lot of responsibilities. And even though I think it is a dream come true, even if I were to have one child, but I think I'm not ready yet. But I think a lot about them, if I were to have any. I think I would know when I am, ready. But I know it is not the time now. Marriage too. Not yet. I have many things I have to learn to handle within myself before I can venture into all that. I look at me sometimes, and I think, I will never be ready. But perhaps, when a day that I would be ready comes, I would know, I think.

That's why, I would always admire mothers, including mine. :) I think right now, I don't think I can ever come that close to being anything like them. I wonder sometimes, if I will always continue to become an admirer from the outside, or maybe one of them. But now that I come to that thought, I don't think I need to worry as much, because either way, He knows best. :)

It just gave me a thought. Perhaps, when one truly loves someone, it is not said, one will always know.

Why do people always have to leave?

2011-08-20T23:34:00.003+01:00

These days I feel like I am losing grip of everything that mattered in my life. Whether it is just losing someone's trust, or feeling left behind or abandoned, all by the people that matters. Or simply another day of trying to reforge ties but ending up, failing miserably. And many more. I guess when it comes to me, no matter how hard I try to deny it, what really matters to me when it comes to this world, are the people who managed to pass through my walls and made their place in my heart. Although there are only but a few, they matter, a lot.

Sometimes, when I lay on my bed at night before I sleep, the thoughts of these people would flash across my mind. I wonder sometimes if they're feeling what I'm feeling inside. I honestly miss them.

It makes me think of pain. Nazi told me a quote that was really true. "You can never forget pain, because pain reminds you of your humanity." Sometimes, I wonder if things would be different if I didn't feel anything for anyone in the first place. But, how is it possible not to care, when to care about people is one of the ways to find Him? Because I believe, that when one doesn't feel any emotion for other humans, not feeling anything, is worse than pain itself. I keep reminding myself that one day, every single ounce of it, would be worthwhile. Because pain drives you into turning points. Pain, as strong as it can push you down, can push you that far, in the opposite direction too. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. We just have to ensure that that pain doesn't defeat us, while it is overwhelming us. And we also have to empower pain, so that it doesn't scare us to the extent that we become afraid, of feeling anything at all.

Anyway, I was reading the Quran today, and I stumbled upon a verse that comforted me.

It is from Al Hadid, verse 22-23:
"Tiada sesuatu pun bencana yang menimpa di bumi ini dan tidak pula pada dirimu sendiri melainkan telah tertulis dalam Kitab Lauh Mahfuz sebelum Kami menciptakannya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian adalah mudah bagi Allah (22)
Kami jelaskan yang demikian itu supaya kamu jangan berdukacita terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu, dan supaya kamu jangan terlalu gembira terhadap apa yang diberikanNya kepada kamu. Dan Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong lagi membanggakan diri (23).."

Perhaps it is time to rethink things back. Someone used to tell me that when I love somebody, I shouldn't love that person too much, and when I hate somebody, I shouldn't hate that person too much. For, the one you love can easily be the one you hate and the other way round. He said, that is my flaw.

I think what he said back then, was also said by one of the companions of our Prophet S.A.W. And this verse made me think of what he said to me back then.

Perhaps, deep within me, I haven't fully, sincerely accept that everything belongs to Allah and everything in this world are temporary except for our iman and taqwa.

I should start working on that.

Why does life seems suffocating?

2011-08-20T01:05:00.003+01:00

I wonder why, sometimes, my heart seems to falter so easily, and life seems to suffocate me. And I read this, and realize that this is where one of my problems lie:

"Hidup ini menjadi sempit dan semakin sempit kerana kamu menjalani hidup ini untuk meraih perhatian dan reda manusia di sekelilingmu. Apa yang kamu ingin lakukan, kamu ukur dengan reda manusia atau kebencian mereka. Ia membuatkan kamu menjalani sebuah kehidupan yang penuh dengan pendustaan.."-Syeikh Ibn Atoillah As-Sakandari-

(Life becomes suffocating and more suffocating because you live through it, trying to raise attention and the approval of men around you. Whatever you do, you measure it on the basis of their approval or hatred. This makes you live a life filled with lies.." -Syeikh Ibn Atoillah As-Sakandari)

2011-08-18T11:53:00.003+01:00

how can we make our heart stronger..and be steadfast with it? dear heart, please be stronger. please be steadfast. dont fall weak right now :(

Our heart

2011-08-16T04:11:00.003+01:00

"The difference between one who remembers Allah and one who doesn't is like the difference between the life and the dead."

Often we think that only the mind thinks and the heart feels. But in Islam, Allah teaches that the heart itself is the source of human beings. Remember from a verse that says, "...those who have hearts but do not think with it.."

Do you know that the heart starts beating even before the mind is formed? Recent findings show that what is transmitted from the brain to the heart is not always obeyed by the heart. For the heart has its own intellectual ability.

I think what actually made me reflect myself upon the unfinished lecture in that youtube video referred below, is how the process of the the death of the heart goes. Not as in the heart stops beating, no, but death in the sense of feeling empty deep down, when the heart is searching but never satisfied..when the heart is not fulfilling its fitrah or nature. And what is the nature of the heart? It is to worship only one God, Allah, and none other.

These days, we live in the world where a lot of people claim to be atheists, yet in facts, they are polytheists. There are people who claim to be a monotheist, but yet in truth they are polytheists. (Can be elaborated further, but perhaps in another post, insya Allah :))

In the Quran, Allah asks us to think about a slave who has many masters, and a slave who has only one. Are they the same?

Rasulullah S.A.W once said:
"Wrong things are things that would irritate the heart."

When one does something that irritates the heart, it will lead to a spiritual agitation within that person.

This agitation cannot be seen, but can be felt by the person himself. How do you know if you're experiencing spiritual agitation?

It is when you feel the need to cover it up or distract yourself from it. How do you cover it up or distract yourself from it? You can see examples around you everyday. People seeking refuge in material, in power, in love, in alcohol and so on. When people keep searching for escapism. From one escape to another.

This distractions lead you to heedlessness of your own heart. You ignore the irritation within you..and if you do it often enough, you will be cut off from your own heart. But you see, the nature of the heart is that the more you are cut off from it, the sicker it gets. The more one is immersed in worldly affairs, immersed in something temporary, the more fatal it is for the heart.

And you begin to see symptoms arising.

What are the symptoms?
I shall give you one, which made me question if my heart is getting sicker too. It is about trust.

Today, do you worry endlessly about what you are going to eat today? or will you have enough money tomorrow? or are you going to land a good job, be successful? Do you worry about these day and night?

I know I do :(

Well, that itself, is a symptom.

For a sound heart has trust in Allah when a sick heart has doubt.

A sound heart trusts that Allah will be there and would govern what is best for him, whether in the face of hardship or comfort. A sick heart will be in continuous worry.

Astaghfirullahal'azim

When you continue, to leave your heart sick as it is, eventually your heart will die, where in the sense, it stops feeling sensitive for what is right and what is wrong.

May we all be successful in taking care of our hearts with His guidance.

Wallahu'alam

Reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bAt6rRy-zU&feature=related

2011-08-16T00:23:00.001+01:00

I love this quote:
"Ingatlah, yang menulis ujian untukmu adalah juga yang menulis nikmat untukmu."
(Remember, the One who writes your tribulations is also the One who writes your blessings)

:)

Pure milk

2011-08-15T12:15:00.004+01:00

Allah says in the Quran: From between filth and blood, comes pure milk.

The nature of a Mukhlis is that he is constantly surrounded by impurities. So, in order to protect the purity of his heart, he must be vigilant, always on guard. And to protect the pure milk from impurities, is to cover it up. Therefore, he should do his deeds in secret, where it is only between him and Allah. Protecting between all the filth of the world, it is easy to drink and sweet. That is why, people like to mix with these people. Like during Rasulullah S.A.W's time, the kafirun were rude to him, but he never returns the rudeness.

Once, there was a woman who was mourning for the death of her son. And she was approached by the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W, and he advised her:

"This is a musibah, and you should be patient."

And she answered: You are not going through my tribulation, you do not know.

And Rasulullah, understanding her mental state of distress, he left her. Soon after that, someone told the woman that the man is the Prophet, and she regretted her rudeness. So she went to find the Prophet again.

When she found him, and asked for his forgiveness, he answered:
"Patience is when the first calamity hits."

:)
:)

one who reads the menu but never orders the food.

2011-08-15T12:01:00.003+01:00

"Today, most of us Muslims are romantically connected to the Quran. We say that
the Quran is a great book, but yet we do not read and try to practise it. It is like a person, who flips through a menu for fifty years, yet he doesn't order the food. he only sees the headlines, but never tries to taste the food of thought He has bestowed upon us. It is none other than simply a flimsy attachment."

Astaghfirullahal'azim.

Reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Seupm5QoZPo (Sheikh Hamza Yusuf)

Could it be worse?

2011-08-14T18:13:00.004+01:00

When you try your best, but you dont succeed,
When you get what you want, but not what you need,
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse,
When tears come streaming down your face,
When you lose something you can't replace,
When you love someone and it comes to waste..
Could it be worse?

Coldplay's Fix you started filling the air.

I thought. No. It couldn't be worse. Because:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed: Allah is trying to give you something better, and that is patience. Allah rewards efforts and sincerity, not results.

When you get what you want, but not what you need: Think of Allah, His knowledge lies beyond borders. He knows what is in your heart. He knows you, and what you need and what you want. And He decides for you always, what is best for you.

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep: Allah is there, giving you the chance of finding Him when everyone else is asleep, so that you may tire yourself in finding Him. He's there, to listen to you, and comfort you, when no one else is.

When tears come streaming down your face: Your heart lives, bowing in humility as a result of the realization of your imperfections. It softens. And your ego slowly seeps away.

When you lose something you can't replace: Everything belongs to Allah, and to Allah where everything shall return. Remember His promise, He doesnt take anything from anyone, unless He replaces it with something of equal or much better.

When you love someone and it goes to waste: No, it is never a waste to love someone, when you do it because of Him. Doesn't matter how that person treats you back, because it is not that person you want to please, it is Allah. And when you do anything because of Allah alone, He will never let it go to waste.

Could it be worse? No. It will never be.

Rasulullah bersabda:
"Sungguh ganjil urusan orang mu'min itu, semua urusan baginya, baik belaka. Semua ini tidak didapati pada orang lain selain orang yang beriman: Jika dia mendapat kesenangan, maka dia bersyukur, maka itu baik baginya, jika dia mendapat kemudharatan, maka dia bersabar, maka itu baik baginya juga."

Abundance

2011-08-12T15:06:00.004+01:00

"What indeed can the one who has found Allah be said to have lost?" Sayyid Qutb wrote in his tafseer book, In The Shade of the Quran. I found this book at the top of the many shelves of books in my house. :D Having seen a lot of people reading it for the tafseer of the Quran, I started opening it.
The copy I found is the last juzu' of the Quran. And I don't know why, Im reading it from behind.
So anyway, guess which surah is translated to be "Abundance"?
I think I have always been reciting this surah when praying because it is short and easy to remember, but never before have I ever read about the tafseer and significance of this surah.
Yes, it is none other than Al Kauthar. :)

I'll share part of what I have read with you, shall I?

Well, this surah exclusively concerns the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W, to cheer him up and assuring him of the happier prospects in his struggle. In this surah, a glimpse of the Prophet's life was shown.

English translation of Al Kauthar:
"Indeed We have given you abundance,
So pray to your Lord and sacrifice to Him,
Surely he who hates you, is the one cut off."

During that time, the Quraisy people opposed the prophet's struggle to spread the message of Islam. Because the prophet's sons died early, they accuse the prophet of having no posterity and remarked, "Do not be bothered with him; he will die without descendants and that will be the end of his mission."

The Arab society at that time emphasized greatly on the sons factor, hence this insult on the prophet had a wide impact to the society. This saddens the prophet, and Allah revealed this surah as a comfort to the prophet.

Al Kauthar that translates to "abundance" is elaborated widely by Sayyid Qutb:

"Kauthar" derived from the stem word, "kathrah" signifies "abundance" or "multitude". This "kauthar" is unrestricted and unlimited. It opposes the accusations of the kafirun . What Allah gave the prophet was overflowing and rich, unstinting and unending.

This abundance can be seen in every angle that you look when analyzing Prophet Muhammad S.A.W:

1) Muhammad's prophethood itself: the link between great Reality and great Being.
"What indeed can the one who has found Allah be said to have lost?"
That is a question that really touches my heart.

2) The Quran
In the Quran, there is a fountain of richness which flows unlimitedly in every surah.

3) The Prophet's Sunnah (examples and way of life)
This can be seen everywhere you go in different parts of the world. The majority of the world embraces Islam as their religion. Wherever you go, you will find people who expresses respectful affections for him. His stories are made as an example where people struggle and strive to follow him.

There are also accounts of relating "Al Kauthar" to a river in paradise granted to the Prophet. According to Ibn Abbas: Al Kauthar is one part of the abundance that Allah has furnished for His prophet.

After Allah has assured the prophet of the abundance of blessings that He has bestowed upon him, He directs the prophet to sincerely be thankful to Him and devote himself to Him, freeing himself from any form of polytheism.

"Surely he who hates you, is the one cut off", shows how Allah tells His prophet that it is not Muhammad who had no posterity but on the contrary, those who are accusing him of that.

"Faith and goodness cannot be barren; they leave deep-rooted influence; but falsehood, error and evil-no matter how fast they grow and spread-do ultimately come to nothing." -Sayyid Qutb

These days, we fail to differentiate the substance behind all the superficiality. Reading it is such a comfort. For this question really made me reflect back on every hardship that is testing me right this very moment.

"What indeed can the one who has found Allah be said to have lost?"

And my heart is comforted. :)

Follow Muhammad S.A.W, insya Allah, we may be able to feel the abundance Allah has bestowed through Islam. We will then have nothing to lose. :)

2011-08-10T04:27:00.002+01:00

"History demonstrates that faith-soul, a belief in higher powers-is essential. We Muslims have it. We have it more than anyone else in the world, even more than the Christians. So we wait. We grow strong." -Indonesian woman to J. Perkins in the Confessions of an EHM, p.47

I was reading this book, Confessions of an Economic Hit Man a few days ago, and I came across this quote that I thought was really interesting. Well, I'd give you the context where this conversation took place.
Based on this book, Economic Hit Men are people who work in multinational companies from the US, who go around, enslaving other countries through debts. During the seventies, this man, John Perkins went to Indonesia, to convince the government, who was then, under Sukarno, to accept big loans from the IMF and World Bank to develop electrical systems that would benefit the top category of people from the income pyramid.
However, he befriended an Indonesian man called Rasy who brought him to socialize with the lower classes in Indonesia. One day, they went to a sort of puppet show that sent a hostile message towards American. They touched on the issue of the US that time being anti Islamic. And Perkins, being the only American in the show was shocked seeing this actual perception of the people towards his country. He talked with the Indonesian youths after that show, and asked why they think that US is actually aiming for Islamic countries. And the only woman in that group, who had a degree in English said the quote above. At least that was part of it.
Somehow, what she said surprises me. "So we wait. We grow strong."

My cousin said a few days ago to me, that usually the controversial ideas lay hidden in the books. Usually what is said towards people are influenced by what the crowd wants to hear, different from a book, where it is written privately. Hence, when you read, you know a lot of things and the realities of the world. If you're not into reading about these controversial ideas, you're really missing out on the world as how it was, and how it is.

It is shown that successful figures who are very influential often have a common trait. They read a lot about ideas.

Even in the Quran, the first ever verse that was revealed was about reading.

"Setiap manusia itu mempunyai banyak kebiasaan dalam hidupnya. Bergantung kepadanya untuk menjadikan kebiasaannya, kebiasaan yang baik atau buruk. Dan sesungguhnya rugilah orang-orang yang menghabiskan masa hidupnya dengan kebiasaan yang buruk. Kerana sesungguhnya, setiap hari itu adalah anugerah Allah untuk kita menempah peluang yang lebih cerah di Akhirat." (from a book too ^_^)

2011-08-09T10:59:00.002+01:00

Seringkali kita mempertanggungjawabkan sesuatu kepada yang tidak punya kuasa. Meletakkan harap kepada mereka yang tidak mampu. Mementingkan yang kecil dan meremehkan yang besar.
I should know. I was all these before, and I am trying, if Allah wills, that I will not be all of that anymore.

1. Mempertanggungjawabkan sesuatu kepada yang tidak punya kuasa dan meletakkan harap kepada mereka yang tidak mampu.
(Putting responsibilty on those who do not possess the power, and putting hopes on those who do not possess the ability)

Have you ever watched 500 days of summer? It is a movie, in case you dont notice :D well, there is this part of the movie, where the guy asks summer, the girl he is in love with, about her past lovers. and well after some insistence she told him briefly about them.
and he asked: what happened?
and she said, "Life."

And I wondered. "Life". That is always what that happens. Someone going far away, and things just dont work out. Minds are changed, feelings fade. All those. And who governs it all? Him. God. Allah.

"I was reading Dorian Gray, when this guy came up to me and asked me about the book, now he's my husband." and she said, "I thought to myself, Tom was right."
"I wondered, if I have watched a movie instead, or came 10 minutes late. I wouldnt have met him."

So, yes, we have to give efforts, even Allah says in the Quran that He will not change someone, if he himself doesn't give any effort to change his state and condition. But then what makes a difference between a believer and a non believer is the fact that the one who believes has tawakkal. The surrender of the outcome to Him, knowing that He is the all knowing, and He would always give what is best for each person.

I used to have feelings for this guy who cared about me too, and "life" like summer said, came in. I tried so hard to make it work, and I know, that if "life" does it too much as to tear us apart, I would blame him. And I did, deep down. Now when I actually think back, that I was wrong in the first place, to put on my hopes on the wrong one, at the wrong amount. If i were to have hopes, it should be to the one with the power to make it happen. That was where immense hope should go to. And that would be Allah. and if He doesnt give what I want anyway, perhaps, what is wrong with what I want is the fact that that is not what is best for me.

And somehow, it changes everything. It makes me question myself on what would come next:

2. Mementingkan yang kecil dan meremehkan yang besar.
(Putting importance on the small matters and downsizing the big ones)

Have you ever felt like you are making a big fuss out of something small? I always do, all the time.

Like when I open my closet and look at my collection of clothes, yet all I see is the fact that I dont have enough beautiful clothes yet. That is BIG for me. What is SMALL for me is the fact that I am not being grateful at all to Allah for giving me the privilege of so many clothes. Or if any of my clothes obey the syariah of covering up myself as a woman. It becomes so small, that it sits there at the darkest hole in my conscience, that I can almost ignore, or sometimes successfully ignore.

And it took to me the thought, that I was so absorbed into living happily ever after with the Mr Right, which is BIG for me, yet preparing myself for the challenges that awaits of a life of not just having myself for me, but having myself for other people, sometimes at the expense of me. That was SMALL for me, I wonder if I have ever have a thought of preparing it in my head the way fairy tales seem to dominate.

And I realized terribly that I have my priorities wrong. Because I set my hopes and goals wrong.

It reminds me of a talk I have heard about the tafseer of Surah Al-Ikhlas. Where the second verse, that translates to: The Eternal, The Absolute. The Absolute in the deep meaning would mean that One who fulfils, in clearer words, would be One who gives Himself characteristics, and fulfils them. Imagine a board with holes, and you fill it so compactly, until there is nothing else that can pass through the holes. Take the board with holes, as Him aligning His characteristics through asmaul husna, and how the compactness of the filling is so fulfilled, that no doubt can pass through them at all.
In another, it can also mean that we should make Allah our absolute. Our goal. Make Allah our goal.

You see, perhaps when we truly realize the second verse of Al Ikhlas, then we could get our priorities right, and that drives of feelings towards the right direction with the right amount.

A realization to share in hopes of a constantly improving me, insya Allah, and any goodness to you, especially if you could relate to mine. :)

Wallahu'alam

P/s I wrote the headers in Malay cause I guess I love the sentence in Malay rather than English. :)

2011-08-03T13:57:00.002+01:00

"Sesiapa yang berpuasa dengan penuh beriman dan mengharap, nescaya Allah akan memberi pengampunan kepadanya."

I read this somewhere. My eyes just passed by it. I didnt even remember where it came from. But it touches me so :)

Little Anas :)

2011-08-02T14:32:00.005+01:00

Look..look..one minute he's awake. and the other minute....

He's asleep! :O

hehe. do i sound like an excited aunty?! yep2 i sure am! :)

He's cute isn't he? well, meet anas bin arif. :D

I have a lot to learn :)

2011-06-13T23:04:00.002+01:00

I think that I have a lot to learn. That is my realization if I read back my blog posts, every time. People always tell me that one's iman can increase and decrease, and that we should always be careful to renew our iman from time to time. But you know, for me, I feel like my iman has decreased not just a little bit, but it feels down into a dark pit hole, that I don't even know how to climb out from. And I think I need time to rethink, learn, and mend my heart, and my ways. And, until then, I think I should take a backseat of learning first, before writing anything more.
When I look around to the people around me, I just feel like I am so far behind. And I need to catch up. Because there is so little time, but so many things to do. And more, a verse in the Quran, from Al Furqan made me think: "Have you seen (Muhammad) the actions of people who made nafs their master?"
It felt like I'm one of those people that Allah is pointing at when I read it.
Someone taught me about sincerity last week. and he said that, Islam is built on, sincerity..to do everything because of Allah. and sad to think, that when I reflect on the things I do everyday, I could actually count the number of things Im doing purely because of Allah. and that, even, I am unsure if it was truly pure.
So you see, I think I'm going to stop writing for a while. Learn to distinguish between the voice inside that I should listen to (Ruh) and the one that I should ignore(nafs).
Hehe, someone told me that a sister tried to do that, by naming them different names. So, she would always be alert and tell herself if it was one or the other. I thought that was really cute..and a good idea too. :)
So, take care to everyone who has been reading all these while :) I'm just stopping for a bit. Disappearing for a while. Figure things out. and of all learning more. and rebelling less. :) If Allah wills, I will come back and write again here ^_^. Till then, so long, salam alayk and cheers! x

2011-06-10T21:44:00.002+01:00

The song fills in my mind.
"In the light of the sun, is there anyone..before it has begun. Oh dear, you look so lost, as your tears seem to shine, and as I crossed, you said, "You don't know me, you don't even care." when the flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones that cry when you said, "You don't know me, You don't even care." She said, "You don't know me, you don't wear my chains." She said, "I think Im going to Boston. I think Id start a new life. I think Im starting over, where no one knows my name..."

Have you ever felt forgotten? I used to run away from that feeling. Its been a while now. And it occurred to me that maybe, I will never feel that feeling again, if I am never remembered.

It hurts. So much.

I never really thought one day, that the thought of looking at that person, and for that person to always smile back at me..would mean so much. and I didn't know that it would hurt this much, when that person suddenly doesn't anymore. That whenever you turn and look, it seems that, you don't really exist to that person anymore.

I wish that feelings couldn't surpass senses. I wish my senses would outweigh my feelings so much, that all these pain seem insignificant, and what is right fills my heart so much, there is no space for all these hurt and pain.

I wish. And I think I could relate to the girl this person is singing about right now. I just wanna go somewhere far from here, and forget about all these feelings. Because I know that while there is still this much pain..and while these feelings are overtaking me, I can't really move on and become better.

The Controversial World of Ideas :)

2011-06-06T21:21:00.004+01:00

The world of ideas. It has such an effect on me, I just realized today. When I'm at my low point these days, when the world seems to cloud me with worry and fear, this world cheers me up. Ive been studying my history of economic thought subject due for exams today. Somehow, reading through their original words, how they are, their descriptions, I'd imagine them, thinking, producing thoughts, debating issues, having imperfections, and always giving out controversial ideas that were worth criticizing. I'd imagine merchants, traveling across the world to trade, bringing back the riches, and writing their thoughts on pamphletes. A professor in Oxford, teaching Anatomy, refuting these merchants, giving a piece of his mind. Another philosopher, who believed in independent learning, who never went to university, writing short essays on economic issues that up till now affects us. A man walking alone, aware of his own bubble, unpopular with audiences, yet, in his own room, writes passionately his ideas that he never thought would be published. Another, with a strong intuition, who became rich overnight, when people were going bankrupt, elusive, secretly producing a very important piece that was only found a decade after he "disappeared". One mind, passionate with illustrations, giving images of nature to describe the mechanism of how the economy works.
Somehow it becomes my getaway refuge.
Adrenaline rush. My mind is racing and racing. I need ideas. 120 minutes from now, I will have to produce two pieces of essays explaining these profound thoughts on paper. My hands felt sore, but I went on and on. I felt a smile forming on my lips. I cant believe Im enjoying this. Words pour out, it has been a while since I wrote with such passion. Did I just find something that finally sparks excitement under my skin? That I think I will be in love as long as life is within this body? As long as this mind is capable of thinking?
Kakqilah and I took a long bus trip all the way to Cribbs Causeway and back. We didnt really want to go to Cribbs Causeway. We just needed the bus trip. :) I guess we both needed some space to think away for a second. We both needed one thing, inspiration.
She started talking about a book she read. She told me about the idea of multiverse. Have you ever heard about the idea? I haven't. It was the first time I ever heard of it. The idea of multiverse, according to her, if proven would make life very meaningless. Why? Well, you know that every different choice we make in our lives have different outcomes right? The multiverse idea suggests that while we are in our current state, living a life of one outcome, there are clones of us in other worlds doing the some choices with other outcomes. I cannot really be accurate here. But you see, do you know what this theory would lead? What it will lead you to question? You will question why are there religions claiming that one day we will be judged for what we do in our lives? How does God judge then? Controversial idea right? But you see, there are studies, but it is never fully proven. But it is an idea that interests many.
Would you totally dismiss this idea knowing the questions it would lead you to?

I wonder too. It made me think. As a Muslim, I believe in Judgement Day. That challenges my belief greatly. The theory. Because of my belief, I genuinely belief that someday this idea will prove that there is a relevance for Judgement Day. For now, humankind doesn't know how to get there. But I am fascinated of how to get there.

"You see," my sister says. "Most physicists believe in a higher power, some just dont believe in humans being judged for their actions someday. The idea of Judgement Day."

"But I do think that people are afraid, of realizing how there is something larger than they are. I mean, to think about it, we started off thinking that the earth is the center of the earth. And then we realize that we are not the center, we revolve around the sun. But we still think that we are the only galaxy at least. But then, we realize that we're not. Talking about the universe is something very scary sometimes." she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we realize how very small we are. Don't talk about subatoms and so on. In this universe, we are way way smaller than that." That reminded me of the many verses in the Quran telling us how small we are.

"You know, I was just thinking. When scientists claimed that the earth is not the center of the earth, don't you think we can see how scared humans are, knowing that they are actually smaller than they think? I mean, people get executed for that." Kakqilah went on. I laughed. Something ironic came in my mind.

"Science makes people sound so small. But SOCIAL science, makes people sound great." :D

We laughed.

"Don't you think it would be so cool if that is what many Muslims are interested in?" she said suddenly.

"What? I dont get it."

"Well, you see, these days I find most people who are inclined towards Islam as just accepting things the way they are. They are contented, that's a good thing."

"Maybe too contented?" I asked. "There's a world of Allah's creations out there that we are missing out. That we do not think about. That we are not passionate about finding out. Don't you think?" I sat and think. "You know, I am sure there was a time when there were so many Muslim scholars who are curious to understand Allah's creations? Someone used to tell me that they would have many debates about all these things. Ibn Sina, Al Khawarizmi..all these names came into mind.

and yeah, it would be cool to talk about ideas among youths. To argue and think about so many ideas devoted in works, articles..and of all, the Quran, and just discovering one thing and another. It would be amazing right?

And deep down, I wonder, if it is dangerous to tread on ideas like the multiverse just now? I mean, there are so many people trying to prove it right. I wonder if there are as many people trying to prove it wrong.

"I don't want to simply admire God's creations, I want to understand God's thoughts.." there was a quote from a scientist. Hmm. I wonder if THAT is a dangerous quote. I do think so. But for me, I think that it is impossible for us to reach within God's thoughts, but His creations are part of His thoughts arent they?
Maybe if we cant understand everything, we can try thinking about the parts that He has put in front of us for us to ponder upon.

:)

p/s Feel free to comment. I think there are a lot of unsure opinions in here. But they are questions and opinions. Thoughts. :)

2011-06-05T20:43:00.002+01:00

In our lives, there are some things that we can't just bear. Some can't see others cry. Some can't stand looking at someone suffering with hunger on the streets on a cold winter night. Some just get all soft over touching movies on the screen. For me, perhaps one thing I couldn't bear is to see my dad on a hospital bed, ready for surgery.
I just realized it today, because I have never seen my dad on a hospital bed, ready for surgery, ever, in my life. You know when people say that sometimes, you are moved so much with emotion, that tears would fall? I have a weird opposite mechanism. I cry easily, but when something really moves me, I can't cry. Instead, I dodge it. I go on like normal.
My literature teacher used to tell us about when her mother passed away. Her mother was the only family she had. On the morning of her funeral, she went to school and taught her classes like normal. And she said, her colleagues asked her what was she doing in school. Sometimes, you just get on, you know. You dodge it as far off as you could so that it doesn't catch you.
I really understood what she was saying. Because I'm like that too.
Alhamdulillah, everything is okay now :) My dad went through a successful surgery this morning :) I saw his picture my sister took. He still could manage an I'll-be-okay-smile. Gosh, I miss him.
He's my number 1 guy you know :) Well, to think that he got into all these because he just decided to play badminton with his students. Well, that's just him being him. and thats one of the infinity reasons why I love him so much. :) Well, he used to play badminton with us when he got back from work when we were little. Credits of my badminton skills to him. (Hehe Im not that bad, you know) Well, I remember two things that he taught me that no one else did. Playing badminton, and memorizing Yaasin by heart. :) Although I think he doesnt realize that Yaasin part, well, cause we just read it together every Friday night when we were kids.
Anyway, do pray for my dad, will you? :)

VnM Graphs and Akhirat

2011-05-31T08:46:00.005+01:00

I need a break! But I can't. I have an exam tomorrow. I have to keep all these models superglued to my mind ^_^ Hehe, right there I go, turning a noun into a verb =_="

Well, maybe I could :)

Yesterday while studying, I was amazed by something. Before I say anything, let me say this one statement, I make basic mathematical errors. :D The common sense ones :P So sometimes I need things to remind me that I'm doing it the right way.

So I came across this Von Neumann and Morgenstern utility function. It is meant to portray to us the attitudes of men towards risk. (Yes, and of course, it will involve graphs. Hehe ^_^ But note that graphs are meant to simplify not complicate things)

(Pardon my careless graphs :D )

This is how I go about remembering it instead:

Notice that all the shapes of the graphs is dependent on the value of a.

You have to be careful about two things:

1) shape of graph, whether it is convex or concave
2) whether it is upward sloping or downward sloping

So we have 4 situations:

1) a < 0 (top-left graph)

This is a risk loving type of person. Why?

Shape of graph: Convex.
But downward sloping, so, he prefers less money to more money.

compare this with
2) a > 1 (bottom right graph)

It is also a risk loving graph, but he prefers more money to less. (upward sloping)

Okayy. before I bore you, :D Id just stop about it and tell you the main point of doing all these. :)

I just changed how I look at it, from "attitudes to risk" to "attitudes towards akhirat".

Say a represents the reaction of people towards akhirat instead of the reaction of people towards risk.

And x is not money, but the deeds we have done purely because of Allah. and utility is utility, in other words, our happiness, our satisfaction.

If a < 0, where a is negative, say someone scorns to the idea of akhirat, not only do they not believe it, they find it ridiculous. Why people do that comes from a lot of sources..mostly due to ignorance, and lack of understanding.
Say, for example, the popular issue of hijab. Some people find it oppressing. How could a woman live like that? And so on. And even though they are not doing it, but seeing other people around doing all these deeds because of Allah, they are not satisfied, and unsettled. They criticise it and would do anything beyond their power to put a stop to it. Their utility falls.

Compared to the other side, where a > 1. We find a similar attitude, but then their a is positive. Hence we are looking at people, who not only believe in it, but more than that, they work for the akhirat. You see, with more and more deeds their, utility increases. It shoots up to infinity, showing, if their whole lives and deeds could be because of Allah, they would be ultimately happy.

What about if a=0? (bottom left graph)
Perhaps, we are looking at people who do not believe in akhirat, but they do not ridicule it. Their disbelief is only for themselves, in a mind your own business way. Or in a everyone has a right to what they want to believe, way. Hence, they are indifferent to doing things because of Allah. Maybe, if they see something good in the deeds of the mu'min, they might follow, but the intention is not for Allah, but for themselves. For example, fasting has healthy benefits from it, some people fast, but why do they fast? :) Some people give charity, but why do they give charity?
They are forever at that static line, indifferent, unaffected.

And 0< a < 1, well, perhaps, this is for people who believes in the akhirat, but not strongly in it. Their utilities increase with more deeds, they are happy when they are able to do good things because of Allah, but they are very slow at it. Compared to a>1. They are so near to the line of indifference. They might fall off to zero anytime. And their position is shaky.

These graphs just reminded me of all these, thats all. It makes me wonder, which graph am I..and which graph I actually wanna be. And I get to remember my graphs without mixing them up :)

p/s These are just thoughts. Not concrete enough to be a single reference. If you notice, I haven't been able to refer this to valid evidences from the Quran and Sunnah. This has a long way to be improved, hence, I would state clearly that these are merely thoughts and ideas from my mind, inspired from observations of people.

2011-05-27T10:34:00.002+01:00

Ohh yes. I forgot. I really wanted to write since so many weeks ago. :)
I was watching Grey's Anatomy and Poirot. I thought they had quotes that were interesting.

"I am used to being alone. I have friends, but no one that I have to tolerate every moment in my life. Lately, I did, for one person......What if you love, and you build your dreams around it, and then it falls apart? That is why, I prefer to be alone." :)
(Arinah's mind says: Very true. Perhaps, that's why Arinah, you have to build your dreams around Allah, He never falls apart. Look at how you're breaking now. Because you're building your love around someone as flawed as you.)

"You see, the power of superstition is a great deal of power indeed!" -Poirot-
(Arinah's mind said: Yes, a fact that we often see as fiction. Because we are ignorant of the power of superstition, we tend to encourage it, rather than trying to reduce it.)

:) (senyum senget :P)

p/s i love poirot. now i understand where the coolness of hajime kindaichi originates from. :D

Poop

2011-05-27T09:56:00.003+01:00

Its been a while since I wrote. :) I'm in the middle of exams, hence, the lack of time to sit in front of the laptop and blog. :D
Well hehe, I hope the title attracts you :P Lol. Nope, this post is not about something disgusting at all. Just to let us all realize how terrible poo is. :P Okay, okay. I'll get serious.
I've got a story for you. Do me a favour, laugh..and think too :)

It was my hardest killer paper of all! :S Man, I was nervous. I actually aimed only 40, the realistic aim, because of how hard I think it is. So you can imagine my feelings when I was waiting for the bus to go to the exam. I need to come in early to calm myself down. Come early cause it is far, so I have to stop halfway to pray Dhuhr, if not I'll be praying at the end of the praying time towards Asr.
I went down from the first bus, saw my second bus approaching. Yes! Right on time. I ran and ran, but the bus moved away first. I sighed. I looked at the screen and number 9 showed in another 3 minutes. Well, thats not so bad. I smiled. maybe Id just get a few minutes to watch the river just over there, from this bus stop. I love the river, more than anything in Bristol :)

I picked a spot. But my heart was unsettled. Today, not even the river can calm me. I went through my notes. Breusch Pagan, White, Breusch Godfrey, Cochrane Orcut, Prais Winsten...I had all these names in my mind. Nope. theyre people. The common thing? They all initiated statistical tests. I read and read. Oh, I forgot Hausman too. The man beside me seems to carefully look at paper, not realizing I was aware. I know I know, the sight of these numbers and statistical results coming out on this paper always interests people. because it is beyond understanding if you dont know statistics. I smiled. If only you know the trouble you need to go through just to understand what they mean. Suddenly this man stepped back. A lot of "Ohh"s were all around me.

Wait, what's wrong? Why am I the only one unaware of whats going on? Wait, why are all of them looking at me?

I figured out when I came back to my notes. It was covered with white. A lot of white. I fell a lot of white on me too. and then I saw some green.

"Ohh, you poor girl," an old woman came to me. She gave me a tissue. "Ohh but you smell awful".
I chose to ignore the last statement. I mean, seriously, what poop DOES smell nice? I embraced her first statement and the very essential piece of tissue. Suddenly I heard a laugh, and two, and people around me started laughing. some didn't.

I didnt know what to do. I was embarassed. And that moment I saw a bus going back home approaching at the bus stop. So I just ran as fast as I could, when to the upper part of the bus, towards the end at the end. Almost like hiding. The smell started coming through my nostrils. The woman was right, awful. I felt like throwing up because of how awful the smell was. And it was all over me. I never thought Id make such a big deal about this. I mean, I trip and fall so many times in public, I just find it funny and laugh. But this one was terrible.

You got to be strong. Come on, its funny. I tried to laugh. But I cant.

The bus started moving, and stopped occasionally. People started filling the front part of the bus, not the back. I dont mind. I purposely sat at the back so that people dont need to suffer because of me. Suddenly, a young teenage girl came to me, and sprayed deodorant on me. That was the peak. Lucky, it was time for me to go down my stop. I didnt care anymore, I walked as fast as I could, ignoring all the eyes on me, and went straight to my sister's flat. That moment, I burst into tears. Im scared, of being late for my paper. and Ive never felt so awful before.

Well, anyway, I did everything. I complained about the poop all day to the only person I talked to that day. I bet he got bored of that already =_=" and to kakqilah. and to Mama. who told Bapak, and he made a statement that finally made everything funny. :)

He said that the skies are sooo wide, and the probability of being that is less than 0.00000001 which is less than the probability of winning a lottery. Hehe. Which implies, you're lucky :) Well, kakak said she had that once, and bapak said the same thing :D hahah. But it does make me feel better about it :)

Anyway, after that, I just saw it in a different perspective. It reminds me of our dearest Prophet Muhammad. :) Peace be upon him. You know, people throw poop to him when he was doing da'wah. People throw stones and did so many things to him when he was trying to spread the message of Islam. I have to admit, it used to be, ohh, yeah, that was hard, for me. But it never sunk in to me how dreadful and awful it was. Yet he was patient. And I feel awful already, and it was an accident. For him, people did it to him on purpose.

It just makes me realize how amazing a man he was. His patience. The little things he went through that perhaps we forgot already. And THAT little things were BIG things that showed how great a man he was.

Two, it made me think of Fatimah Az Zahra. How when her father comes back home, she'd wipe the dirt off her father. When I had poop on me, that old lady who came to me and gave me a tissue made me felt so comforted for a second. But truly, it is not easy having to stand there by my side to get all the poop away. She stayed away after a few moments. I didnt blame her. It was an awful smell. But Fatimah, she didn't. You know, these days, we often forget how far an act of kindness can help and comfort someone. A kind word, some sympathy and a lot of faith. :)

Alright. Yep :) Thats my story. and you can laugh at the bird poop-ing on me part. Hahah. It was really really funny. :D

Cheers! x

Salam alayk :)

Allah's will to His servants during Isra' and Mikraj

2011-05-18T13:08:00.003+01:00

Do not make your heart dependent on the world for I do not create the world for you.
Devote your love for Me, for I am where you shall return.
Work hard for Jannah.
Detach your hope from any of My creations for they do not have not even a little bit of power on them.
Often perform tahajjud, for with qiamullail comes My help and assistance.

2011-05-18T13:03:00.003+01:00

Somehow I like the lyrics of this song. And I wish I could really realize it too in myself.

Tuhan dulu pernah aku menagih simpati
Kepada manusia yang alpa jua buta
Lalu terheretlah aku dilorong gelisah
Luka hati yang berdarah kini jadi parah

Semalam sudah sampai kepenghujungnya
Kisah seribu duka ku harap sudah berlalu
Tak ingin lagi kuulangi kembali
Gerak dosa yang menhiris hati

Tuhan dosa itu menggunung
Tapi rahmat-Mu melangit luas
Harga selautan syukurku
Hanyalah setitis nikmat-Mu di bumi

Tuhan walau taubat sering kumungkir
Namun pengampunan-Mu tak pernah bertepi
Bila selangkah kurapat padamu
Seribu langkah Kau rapat padaku

A break from statistics and numbers :)

2011-05-08T10:09:00.004+01:00

(This post is merely a reflection, and is not concrete enough to be used as facts to justify anything. )

Every person's journey to Allah is a love story tailor made for each person He created. I thought, a lot of things in this world have deadlines..and love is no different. Love has a deadline too. And perhaps deadline is the most perfect word when it comes to a love story between a man and His Creator. Because the deadline itself is death.
When you look generally at each person around you, you'd see a generalized assumption. Everyone's life is easy..and yours is the hardest. No one is capable of understanding you, because they've never been there, never done that. I always have that feeling in me. And my friend once said to me that there is one form of ego. I disagreed that moment. It is just a mere expression of something true. Because the reality of this world is that some people are easily understood and some people are just so complicated, they aren't so easy to be understood.
Somehow, I don't know if it is true, wallahu'alam, but what I realize now from back then is that, the difference between me, and the people I called easily understood, is that I have that generalized assumption, and they don't. That generalized assumption is my ego. Of not giving most people space to try to understand how I function. That made me complicated. Because I am always afraid that if people really knew how I am, they wouldn't like that person.
Insecurity, that might come into your mind. I thought so too. But now, I feel that it is more of insincerity. Because you connect with people because you want to be liked, you want to belong..when sincere people would only do it because of Allah. And sincere people wouldnt be afraid of rejection. Wouldnt be afraid of coming out, seeming different, handicapped in some areas or not as special.They realize that this world is temporary and the truth about human existence, and because of that they come out fearless then most people. Because theirs are an action to make their love to Allah above any others, and mine is an action of trying to make myself special among humans.
Perhaps, if you are reading this, and you feel what I am feeling, that feeling of being different, of feeling alienated within yourself, because it seems like no one understands you, the truth is, it is a blessing instead of a disadvantage. Because that line of where sincere is seems clearer than many, I do think :)

2011-05-06T22:50:00.002+01:00

Al Ahnaf bin Qais pernah memasukkan jarinya ke dalam api lentera sambil berkata: "Rasakanlah, rasakanlah." Ia lalu berkata kepada dirinya sendiri: Wahai Ahnaf, apa yang memberanikanmu melakukan dosa ini pada hari ini? Juga dosa ini pada hari ini?" Beliau terus menyebut dosa-dosanya.

"Tidakkah engkau melihat api yang kamu nyalakan. Kamukah yang menjadikan kayu itu atau Kamikah yang menjadikannya? Kami menjadikan api itu untuk peringatan dan kegunaan bagi manusia." (Al Waqi'ah, 56: 71-73)

Arinah, bila akan kamu benar-benar ingat dan percaya dengan bersungguh-sungguh seperti Al Ahnaf?

2011-04-28T14:37:00.002+01:00

You only start living when you are being honest, not only to others, but ESPECIALLY to yourself.

an epiphany :)

2011-04-16T14:42:00.002+01:00

Some days ago, I came across a very inspirational blog. The author has passed away not long ago. He was young, perhaps, two or three years older than me. I remembered how I met him once, when I joined a discussion or rather, a debate that caused some friction between a few friends that I respected a lot. They turned to consult him, who was known for his knowledge to untangle the knots of disagreements.
Years later, someone asked me if I remember him. I didn't. To me, he was just a stranger who I have encountered once, which I respected a lot for his depth understanding on so many topics in Islam. "He was diagnosed with cancer not so long ago." And my friend gave me a link to his blog. I find the blog inspirational, and much more than that, it reminded me of a very deep saying of Imam Ghazali.

"If you do remember death and prepare for its coming, you will know endless joy when death arrives. Whereas if you are complacent and procrastinate, death will come to you at an unforeseen moment and you will know regrets without end.."

Lately, a link given by another friend led me to the same blog again. And I just read how to actually post stuff on his blog, he'd be really careful and would do a lot of research before he did.

Somehow, it just made me ponder upon mine. Most of the time, it is more of what I feel, my point of view..or if not, me..whining about giving up.

Sometimes, I don't know why Ive become so weak. I dont get it how I got from the person I remembered, to the person I am now. So..I think, maybe one of the little things I would wanna do, is try to be careful about what I post, especially when it is about Islam. Because somehow, I feel that for me to bombard what I simply feel about things without a clear understanding about something doesnt do any issue i address justice.

and hehe, i like poetry, literature and sayings. i definitely wouldnt stop posting those that i could relate to. :)

insya Allah. May Allah help me become better. i need that. to be better. and stronger.

The Largest Waterfall in the UK

2011-04-13T22:07:00.004+01:00

In real life, it is taller than a three storey building. It is surrounded by cliffs, named, the High Front, the largest waterfall in the UK. Million of years ago, this place used to be situated in the tropical forests. During the ice age, it was covered by ice..the last sheet of it fell at the end of the ice age. It stood there witnessing the earthquake that caused some rocks around it to fall through, revealing layers of different rocks on one wall. It stood there, watching the storm that made so many large trees fall in 1992. And we never know the power of the waterfall asserted on the rocks around it. This place might look different million of years from now. Perhaps it is no longer situated in the four seasons area no more. After all million of years from now, Australia which moves 2cm every year will end up neighbouring Japan by then.
We never know where we are from this very second.
And for this waterfall, this is a snapshot in time. It wouldn't be the same anymore after this moment. It would be changing. Always.
And we are no different from this waterfall.
We also have that "power of the waterfall" asserted on us.
O Allah, let the "power of the waterfall" be a good one on our lives..

A post that probably wouldn't make sense :P

2011-04-12T21:48:00.002+01:00

Waking up to see Piling Locks Marina was amazing. Peaceful :) I think the most interesting part was the animals!!! :) Gosh, its been a while since I get to do all that. Feeding ducks. (There's too many sea gulls in Bristol) Ohh the ponies! I love them ^_^ Theyre nice to you when you have an apple in your hand :P. And Durham is a beautiful place. The quiet town with an amazing view! The Durham castles from the bridge..Bapak told me how he would row a boat till the end of the river when he had nothing to do during his days as a student there. We're going to that tomorrow! Insya Allah. :) Being in these beautiful places just made me think of the heavens Allah had ready for the believers.
If this is only the world, masya Allah, I couldn't imagine how the heavens would be. And I thought of the one thing Ive never really felt for so long. Being with my family. That is the most luxurious of all luxuries, for me. :)
I guess at the back of my mind I can't stop worrying about someone at the far end of the globe right now, trying to make ends meet. But I guess telling one you're worrying would add up to all the worries right? I wish there is more that I could do. But at the face of all these..I don't know. Somehow, there's always this hidden part of me wishing that I could share all these moments with that person. Truthfully, enjoying all these takes a lot of energy when another side of your mind is not exactly here. But we have to make do of things that's there and cannot be changed right?

Right..I'm crapping now. =_+"

Anyway, if you're reading this, and have no idea who I'm talking about, its okay. Just pray for that someone with me, that Allah would make it easy and that good things happen at the end alright? :)

At the face of hardships and uncertainty, the hardest thing to do is to believe that everything will eventually be okay, to be patient and to give a brave smile, and embrace the life He has given you.

It is hard. But it is possible. So, let us embrace life and be brave to take chances! :)

Thoughts by the River Soar

2011-04-11T20:11:00.003+01:00

From my view, long boats are lined up along the river, one or two with men coming and out. While they're having vacations on boats, we're having one in a penthouse, both having its own original touch of comfort and peace :) Its been a while since I have a taste of luxury, and my feelings for it is mixed. In a way, it feels like a blessing from Allah...it is rare, many luxuries in one go. The luxury of a beautiful penthouse overlooking the river..with TVs in each room. The luxury to get quality time with your busy parents and your darling siblings who live far apart from you. The luxury of the food on the table, tasty..and eaten without the worry of money in the bank account running down. Alhamdulillah :) But at the same time, im afraid of it. The luxury that could blind you with forgetfulness. Of how this world is temporary and these will all find an ending somehow. I'm afraid of luxury because it gives you hope in it, when one day it will go. Luxury, no matter in what form, should be acknowledged but never be made attached as hope.

Thoughts of the news I heard in the radio today pass by my mind. The French government has passed the ban of burqha for Muslim women in the country. They are not allowed to cover their faces or they will be fined on the spot, and men who "force" them to do so can be jailed. The UK, Spain and another European country, that I can't remember, are considering to enforce the same thing. It doesn't look possible in the UK though due to its tolerant and liberal society.
"It is my identity. Do not steal it away from me." says a Muslim woman through the radio.
My heart can't help feeling this heavy feeling, for my sister out there in a neighbouring country. O sister, how could they deprive you on your own freedom? And yet, they talk about how freedom is a human right.
"This law is meant to pass as to create more integration within the society and women wearing burqhas are creating suspicions of terrorism to the others." the news continued.
"When we go to Muslim countries, we are expected to cover, and we respect that, why not they respect us when they come to our place?" was a quote from a fb status.
I closed my eyes. How ignorance can lead to so many wrong conclusions.

"How would you feel if people ban miniskirts in your country?" someone in the car suddenly said, breaking the silence. Yes, we were all listening intensely to the news.

Somehow, there are two sides to see.
One, from something I was once told that I find very true. "Arinah, kita perlu tegas dalam perkara asas dan berlapang dada dengan perkara furu," (we have to be strict with the core matters and be tolerant with the smaller matters)...when I started bringing up about the fiqh of covering your face in Islam. It is a branch that is debated greatly between the Muslims. Some see it as radical..some see it, as where's the harm in doing so? Islam is not meant to make things complicated, it is meant to make things simple and easy. They did not ban the action of wearing the hijab, but instead did not allow the action of covering the face. Muslim women are still allowed to cover according to what is required in Islam..and the face is not the aurat. (According to what I know. Do correct me if I do not have enough understanding of this)

But then, at the same time..I can't help finding it ironic.
I thought the west is the place where freedom and human rights are things that are seen as very essential in one's life. From what I learnt, the French stresses a lot on equality. But where is the equality now?
Other women are allowed to wear anything they want..but not Muslim women?
How come, so many women can wear anything, sometimes, even nothing, and stands proudly, free from any threats and criticisms in the name of freedom and equality, but yet a Muslim woman who desires to cover her face to protect herself more and to feel closer to God isn't free from all that?
If anyone questions the harm my Muslim sisters would bring by covering their faces, so why not inappropriate clothes are banned to because they bring harm too don't they? Even more, a definite harm isn't it?..compared to when the so called "harm" brought my sisters wearing the burqha which was just based on suspicion? Yes, do you feel offended if someone says that to you? That is how my Muslim sisters would feel. Would you ever send someone to jail for letting a woman under your care go out wearing inappropriate clothes? Then, why are you passing a law that allows a man who would let and defend the women under his care to cover their faces to be jailed?
And you put it all under the flag of freedom and equality?

How would you feel if I judge your trustworthiness on the length of your skirt? You wouldn't feel that it is fair wouldn't it? Then is it fair to judge the trustworthiness of a Muslim women from how much they want to cover themselves up?

I feel that before passing such a law, one should think first of how one thinks and sees things. To look at one self before blaming a problem on somebody else, somebody weaker, somebody less powerful or a minority.

And living in the West for almost two years now, I believe, that Westerners, even though most of them have a different idea from the way I see life, that they do not find the liking for injustice and inequality.

Maybe that is why I find it ironic. That such a law could find a place here.

And the sun is setting already. And I have to go.

p/s subhanallah, hope you could enjoy the view from my window right now, and reflect on how amazing Allah is..and you can see all the signs through His creations. :)