Fragility of the world...and hearts

"Dan janganlah kamu berbuat kerosakan di bumi sesudah Allah menyediakan segala yang membawa kebaikan padanya..." (7:56)
today i was introduced to nauru island. the island with quite a little distance from hawaii dried out of all resources due to the excessive mining of phosphate. now, it is not live-able anymore, shall i say. in other words, even to obtain clean water here requires shipping from another country. this is what we may refer to as the next easter island.
and..if we are not careful with our resources..our world might just end up..this way.
when showed the map of the world and the oil resources left, the place with the most abundant oil is none other than the middle east. USA that used to have abundant oil resources has little left. and the question posed by the lecturer was really true. Why is it that we know how bad the consequences of running out of oil reserves, but yet we still use it, as if we want to finish every drop of it?
Now, all over the world, we see some cities that are said to be going down due to an increase in sea levels. London. Venice. Someone told me once, "We have to visit Venice before it sinks!" And the thoughts of the movie 2012 came into mind. the images of apocalypse described by the Al Quran got me thinking of how fragile this world is that we live in. Yet, we overlook that, and treat it according to our interests.
I wonder how the world would be, lets not say 10, perhaps 5 years from now? And even so, would I even be here in 5 years' time? we never know. A lot can happen in 5 years.
And how fragile the world is, reminds me of how fragile hearts can be.
Sometimes, when you break it, you may be able to put the pieces together, but it will never be the same. And you wonder sometimes, if you are capable of that. Love. I think the heart is capable, when there is not only love, but certainty in it.
But I think I could learn about the fragility of the world in lectures or talks. But fragility of the heart? I still have a long way to go to understand. As someone said to me once, Love or life, there's so many things to be unsure of. But yet, sometimes you just have to believe, that somehow, it is gonna be okay.
Fragility of the heart makes us not take love for granted. Fragility of the world makes us not take life for granted.
Fragility breeds strength.
hmm. ironic isnt it?

Have you ever felt like you're standing in between of something? Like it makes you feel like an outsider? Sometimes, you think of something that is so real, and you cant help thinking of how unreal you are. Staring in this picture, imagining that you're inside it...but reality check. You're not. You never will be. And...sometimes, it just makes you feel really sad. But doesnt matter.
Maybe I should tell myself what I once read. It is something like, "God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches you by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly-not one.."

They say you cant help what you feel. But the least you could do is to not let your feelings cloud your judgement. Sometimes you just need to keep on walking on that bridge called faith. You cant wait for the sky to clear.

This week is certainly a busy one. :) Here, in Bristol, the islamic society is organizing an Islamic Awareness Week to expose to the public on the true understanding of Islam. :) It is an interesting one, with all the talks every night. There are people who was touched by the truth in Islam..they reverted instantly. Tonight would be an interesting one, I think. The multifaith debate between, Muslims, Christians and Jews. Perhaps I think, the concept of free speech here makes a big difference from what I feel back then in the country. People dont speak in layers and layers to make a point, they just say it straight. Yes, sometimes you see the situation getting tensed when people disagree, but then when speaking about faith, I believe that one's heart should entertain its most inner doubt, and we would see that..at the end of the day, the truest one would still be able to give answers to that. Insya Allah.
In the midst of that, I hope to turn my blog back to how it used to be when I first started it. My place to note back anything that I have heard or read, basically my notebook of knowledge. :) I realized that I have been using it to convey frustrations and emotions, what I didnt have in mind when I started it. But you see, I believe that the beautiful thing about writing is that you can pass beyond the boundaries of what you are supposed to be and write the truth-who you really are.
Thus, I see that as a phase, and it proves to me the truth in the teachings of how the iman of a person, goes up and down. But what is more important that surpasses that is the fact that, "..Allah menyukai orang yang bertaubat dan menyucikan diri.." (2:222)
So what should I write to you today? Hmm. :) There was a talk about love yesterday...and you know, I have come to realize that when going from one talk to another, we often overlook one aspect of the speaker, that he or she is human. thus, he might not always be right, and at the end of the day, you have to refer back to the Quran and Hadith. Like the many books you read, sometimes you dont need to necessarily agree. what makes it more interesting than that, is for you to find the validity of it. Islam is not vague, you will find answers. It is just a matter of finding. And knowing the speaker to be human, I think, the best way is to be neutral. And learn whats good from him and leave the flaws out. Like a Malay saying goes, "Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih"
Anyway, back to this :) the speakers approach yesterday that interest me greatly is how he approaches things based on stories, the seerah of Islam itself. I find it very true when he says, how ironic it is that we know Albert Einstein, but we barely know Imam Syafii for instance, that is perhaps many times a genius than Einstein. Why? Because we are mostly ignorant to our history and are busy learning the history of others before us.
So, Id like to tell you about a story of Umar Al Aziz, a man that I have come to admire ever since I started to learn economics. Why? Well, for me personally is because, when I learn about capitalism, I realize one thing that perhaps, capitalism can never solve, but yet it is solved by this man hundreds of years ago. He could manage an economy where there is not a single person who is eligible to receive zakat..to simplify it more, there is no one in need of help financially. Do you see any economy in a country that is like that now? So, for me, I am currently searching for the history of how he managed his economy..and I intend to compare it to capitalism.
Anyway, I found this story about when he first stepped in as a khalifah. I found it in a book entitled "Belajar Dari Dua Umar" by Hepi Andi Bastoni. :)
After the death of Caliphe Sulaiman Bin Abdul Malik, Umar Al Aziz, was named as the next Amirul Mukminin to replace him. He was by the grave of Sulaiman Bin Abdul Malik, while he was thinking of the will. When suddenly, he heard noises interrupting the peace. He then, went and asked "What is the matter?"
And the man showed to him, a very luxurious vehicle for him, and said, "This is yours, Amirul Mukminin"
And guess what he answered? he asked "What does that has to do with me? May Allah bless you." And he walked to the same donkey that he has been using for years to move from one place to another.
Just while he was sitting on the back of his donkey, ready to go, suddenly a troop of bodyguards came to follow him from behind, ready to guard him from any danger. And Umar Al Aziz looked at them strangely and said, "I dont need any of you. I am just another ordinary Muslim, and I shall walk with my people, morning or night." And he left.
Later in the day, he went with his people to the mosque where people from every corner of the land gathered. He then stood in the middle and said, after worshipping Allah and His prophet, "My people, I was given this test by Allah in the matter of the khilafah, where I wasnt being consulted, and which I have never asked for. This matter has not even been discussed with the Muslimin community. Now I am letting go the baiat that you have entrusted upon me, and please, appoint a leader among you, that you prefer and respect."
Hearing what Umar Al Aziz said, the people said to him, "We appoint you, dear Amirul Mukminin, for we respect you. Please, manage our matters with the barakah from Allah.."
It is such an inspirational one isnt it? I dont know about you, but when I read about this story, I think, Umar Al Aziz has a very different way of perceiving a leadership role compared to the leaders in the world today. Nowadays we see being a leader as a privilege, there were days when it was seen as a responsibility rather than that.
:)

"Wahai Muhammad! Katakanlah kepada para tawanan perang yang ada di tanganmu, "Jika Allah mengetahui ada kebaikan di dalam hatimu, niscaya Dia akan memberikan yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah diambil darimu dan Dia akan mengampuni kamu." Allah Maha Pengampun Maha Penyayang. (8:70)

I think I wanna straighten my life up today. And be a better person. Way ever then before. I think I want to stop being a mess now. Ive been for a few months. To think back, I could be here because of so many people hoping I could do my best and help out in the future. This is not about me alone. It is time to grow up.
I'd have my secrets to myself. why Im such a mess here. I wouldnt try to open my door to anyone again to understand whats inside. maybe because Ive come to realize that...Im not a little girl anymore. No one would really have time to understand. because everyone is in the constant search for happiness and misery would only divert them from what they are searching.
When I watched Kimi Ni Todoke, I cried. haha maybe because of how much I could relate to it. She said something about, suddenly having someone around to laugh with, makes you forget about how it feels to be alone. And the contrary to how easy it is to adapt to having company, it is very hard to go back to being alone.
But then, the years that has passed taught me that sometimes Allah take some things from us, so that He could replace it with something better. And I heard once in a Friday sermon, "If you wake up and you have nothing else besides Islam, then Allah has given you the best blessing in the world."
To the many people around me that I might have wronged, I am sorry. If there is ever a day that I got out a wrong word or phrase that might hurt. Or I just seem to make you feel like you're insignificant in my life. I hope you know that I try my best everyday...but in the end, Im only human. I'll try to be a better person. I would. I know. Even if I have so many things going on in my life, I have no reason to justify myself being a mess.
I'll try. Insya Allah.
:)

Lately the sight of soft colours warms my heart. when i wake up everyday and think of what i want to wear for the day, my eyes would automatically reach for soft ones. maybe because deep down, i wish i could find warmth.
And on top of that I wish I didnt forget who i used to be so soon. freedom. i am excited to explore every single thing i couldnt before, be anyone i wanted to try to be....and i wonder if in the middle of it, i have lose sight of what i used to see, used to have focused in my mind. there was once, i used to have this sight of this one straight path with no junctions. and i thought i really could look straight and see the junctions calling from my side. but then, along the way, someone taught me that sometimes, something that seems to be right for most people doesnt necessarily be right for you.
it taught me that maybe the junctions exist there because you cant reach the main goal which is Him, alone. the junctions laid along the way are meant not to be simply avoided and ignored, but to be invited to go on that straight line with you.
but then, sometimes, I feel like when I stop to try to attract one junction to join me, I feel like I'm starting to move away bit and bit from the main road. and suddenly right now, I feel like I am not on it anymore.
I am a mess. A desperate mess.
And I wish I could the way back again. But I dont know where to start.

"Kamu matang apabila kamu dapat mengasihi seseorang dengan sepenuh hatimu tanpa perlu menjadi orang yang penting dalam hidupnya.."
those words just hit me..making me realise of how immature i am sometimes. wrong. how immature i am most of the time. i wonder sometimes, if it is just natural to want to be important to someone you really care about...or is it just a reflection of the lack of maturity.
tonight it was an eye opener. a real one. i didnt know how the speaker could do it. maybe because most of the things he brought up were things i could relate to. that i see destroying people around me. and it is like this chain reaction, when you see the things destroying the people you love bit by bit....it destroys you slowly too.
if it is not depression, it is drugs. cigarattes. and he said, stressing that he's not arguing about whats big or small, just that he thinks music is a form of escapism too. that brings you away from reality. i wonder too. right now im questioning in my head if it is. "sometimes you feel worse after hearing to music.." his words just caught up to me. yeah. there's some truth in it. in my head, it is all question marks. i mean, im not going against or supporting anything..i just want to weigh if music has more benefits or faults on me. because he made me think for a second.
and i wonder too. sometimes you try so hard to laugh so that when the people you love cry and gives up, you wouldnt. but then it swallows up all the optimism you have left inside of you..and so you have to go all over the next day to renew it again and again. and suddenly all you wished for is someone to stop and think of how you'd feel, instead of how they'd feel. but when you look at them, you just realize that they wont, because depressed people are caught up in their problems to see beyond it. how can i blame them?
and then you become cold. because you're too hurt in the process of trying to be understanding. and when you look around you to everyone who has it all figured out...you envy their optimism, wondering if one day you'd be able to have a day where you could have all that without people you love swallowing it down for you before the day even starts.
now im not afraid of having to struggle away from misery and try to be happy. im afraid of a day when i dont feel anything anymore. and...its just sad. thats all.

it is one of the days when i wake up and decide to get my life back on track. until something in the rubbish bin caught my eyes. i felt like a failure, seeing that thing, because i knew from who that came from. i felt like taking a train to some place ive never been to..like bath..and just wander off alone, without direction. this feeling of tiredness crept into me. i used to want to be mature, to be sensible..and just to do the right thing all the time. now, i feel like acting as carefree as a little child, laughing over very ridiculous things, act stupid sometimes and just loosen up all these serious consequences if i stop to be human for one second.
maybe nothing hurts more than to see the people you care about destroying themselves. and you wish they know how sad it is to be helpless at the face of all that.
but i guess, i should never let all these get to me. if i wait, for the my life road to be clear off things that would crush me into pieces, probably id just remain static my whole life. sometimes you just got to keep going on. maybe i should stop talking now, and just clean up the mess and move on. i dont have much of a choice do i?
i just went out with my assignments. a bus going to temple meads railway station passed beside me. my mind raced of whether i should stop the bus and go off or not. but a stationery shop distracted me from my thoughts. i needed a test pad. so i went in just to buy one. and the cashier suddenly asked me my name. and he got all confused because he thought arinah sounds quite english. you're a chinese are you? he asked. i laughed. nope. im malay. and he had this blank face on him, like he's never heard that word before. as in..malaysia? i said. and then he got it all figured out. he told me about his story, how he migrated a very long time ago to the uk. he just said something like..just stay put when you're in difficulties and things will just eventually work out. sabar, he said. as he was telling me his story of how he could end up surviving here.
my eyes widened. you didnt tell me you're a muslim. and i realized how i forgot to ask him his name.
he laughed. he told me his name, and his whole family's name. his wife, his children. and before i went off, he said to me, im not fooled by your smile. but keep on smiling, everything you're hiding behind it will eventually disappear.
i was startled. maybe the first time for this whole month since im back here that someone could see beyond that smile and laughter. and lame jokes. maybe he has been a parent for years to understand the thoughts of young people. i wonder if mine could. but it doesnt matter. if it does, i shouldnt even think of it. sometimes, you just dont need to know the answers. i guess i know one thing for sure. i do miss them. and thats the only thing that should matter.
people say its not wrong to feel tired of trying, but its wrong when the tiredness stops you from trying.
that cashier was right. sabar. :)