part of the world. :) sometimes you have to see yourself that way. not sometimes actually, most of the time. you have to understand that you're part of the universe, and that as much as the up sides of the world, u have to withstand the downsides too. when you're in the deep pit hole, it is hard to think about everyone else. it is easier to think about just you..and having someone else to blame. ive always thought that rare people can be seen when theyre in that deep pit hole. u know someone's rare when, theyre in it, but they can still think of other people..and do not go frantically trying to find that exit door from everything. ive always thought that a person who is rare will never realize how rare he or she is. Like great people. Truly great people just see themselves as normal human beings. Greatness lies in the ability for one to still see himself as a normal human being no matter how many times people say how great he is.
bapak told tokwan something that caught my interest a few days ago. he said, there was once an asteroid that hit mars, our neighbouring planet. and the size of impact caused by the asteroid on mars fits the size of earth perfectly. however, mars is 1000 times larger than earth. so the impact is 1/1000, so it doesnt make that much difference. imagine if the asteroid hits earth? and it just dawned upon me, how easy it is for the end of times, visualized in the many movies these days to actually come true.
i guess when im here stuck in the moment, waiting for my next flight..i just cant help but to think. you know sitti, you're right. its naive to think that you will be happy all the time. u know, they say dont try to cut your bangs, and perhaps, you'd just find your own story. because when He created you, He had your story tailor-made for you. dont try living other people's stories, cause really, you have your own. :)

"Apabila dadamu sempit menghadapi kesusahan dan kesedihan, maka lihatlah daun yang berguguran di sekelilingmu, dan percayalah, bahawa kesabaranmu akan menggugurkan dosa-dosamu bagaikan daun itu. Insya Allah."
I guess life can never pause. I guess, the past few weeks filled me with happiness, filling me up with the emptiness in me for the last 3 months. It's never easy to leave home. At least, for me, it feels that way. But I am naive, if I think that happiness will be there all the time. It comes and go. You dont need to wait or hope for it. It will come and leave at the right time. sometimes, we have to let go certain things, so that we know that the world we live in now itself, is never meant to be a home. The world that will last awaits there, after death.
O Allah, please give me strength.
Ameen.

a priceless 50 cents wave

grocery shopping. try living in a house of 10, and you'd know how full your trolley can be. it was another common thing in my family, as we pushed the trolley to the boot of our car and loading the many heavy plastic bags according to bapak's order, the light ones deep inside the boot, the heavier ones, further outside. i smiled thinking of how the cashier complimented bapak for the well arranged line of groceries he organized on the counter, while she scanned the price tags. yes, bapak will always be bapak. things simply thrown in the trolley annoys him.
as we approached the car, my sister and i, leaving bapak to pay for the very, very long receipt, my eyes caught onto a woman by the corridor just nearby the supermarket. she was in a wheelchair, a disabled woman, holding a plastic of pens hoping for people to buy them. it's sad..to see people simply passing by, as if she is invisible, like she is not there. they say if you stare at someone for a long time, that person can really feel it. well, i think she did, because she stared at me back, with a smile. i felt myself being rude staring at her like that, and all i could do to compensate that was smile back.
while i was waiting in the car for bapak to come, i just couldnt get my eyes off her. she was patient, and what amazed me was the strength she seemed to show even though she is not as perfect as most people. when bapak came in, he gave me a coin left to give to the woman. and when i did, she smiled with a genuine thank you. she held my hand so tight to show her gratefulness, touching me with symphathy for her. and as our car pulled away, she suddenly waved at me until im out of sight, her smile still there. it felt so heart warming, to see such happiness in her eyes.
and i thought 50 cents couldnt do much. i didnt know it could teach me this much.

"Allah tidak akan menyiksamu jika kamu bersyukur dan beriman..." (4:147)
came across this verse today that touched me. i guess, these days, i think i bump into a lot of life lessons that taught me the importance of contentment. and somehow in a lot of ways i think, that happiness, when defined to be the calmness and peace in one's heart, has a short cut. and that is contentment. being grateful of what we have.
a line in a book taught me an interesting thing today. a sleeping ritual :) haha. it is simple. just close your eyes when you're about to sleep..okay, yeah, of course...to sleep you have to close your eyes anyway. and count all the blessings you had today, until you fall asleep :D when i was little, there was once i couldnt sleep. and my auntie, who was my father's cousin, who lived with us during that time, told me to imagine myself in a large green field with a lot of sheeps..and count all the sheeps that i can see. hehe. i used to do that when i couldnt sleep at nights in my boarding school, after lights off, when its all very dark and quiet. yes, i have a weird thing, that i sleep best when it is noisy and very bright. when its dark and quiet..i really cant sleep :P. but yeah, the counting blessings ritual is something like the counting sheeps thing :)
in a way when i came across this verse, it just got me thinking. somehow, it is very true. we put ourselves in a state of misery when we count all our misfortunes instead of being grateful over what we have. being ungrateful is like putting ourselves on top of a volcano. if the lava doesnt come out, you'll still feel earthquakes all around. like drinking salt water. you'd just get more and more thirsty. i think, contentment is not easy to get the hold on to, but really, it makes you happy. :) it felt like the verse is speaking to me..telling me like..hey, maybe being grateful would let you escape the torture of misery. :) someone used to tell me that when you create machines or anything, we usually have a manual with us. and she said, well when we are created, our manual is the Holy Quran. thats why, she said, when you're full of questions, turned to His kalam, you'd find an answer. i think i just did.

"i used to think that she needed us. but i think, lately it dawned upon me that it is the other way round." it was funny really last night. my parents actually forgot about me. :P they left for home from tokwan's house without me. and i guess..i felt so happy, that for once, when balqis made me go into the car with her, and when she got so excited thinking im going back home with her..well, i actually could let that smile stay on her face. i mean, i could actually made that true. ive been dying to do such a thing for ages. i guess this time, when she held my hand so tight, and refused to let go, i could actually stay..and go back home with her. i felt so happy doing that. :) :) she slept at 3am yesterday, i slept at 5am. she fell asleep on my lap while hanis and i chatted, catching up with each other's lives.
"when i come back to her, she will always have the same smile, she looks at me with that same way. and i know that no matter what i am in this world, i will never stop being her sister. she never judges, and you know that the affection from her is honest and sincere."
i smiled. she's right. thats what i love about balqis. she may not be as perfect as we are, but there's so many things she has that we dont. i remembered how pak teh used to tell us when were kids, that balqis is our angel from heaven. and when i look at her, i truly believe so. i can feel like a loser and how my life seems to go wrong endlessly, but when im with balqis, i just cant help feeling so touched by her unconditional love. how she looks at me never changes. it is always that eagerness, that sincere fondness that makes you feel so lucky. and what touches you more is how it never fades..never dies out.
i woke up today..because she dragged me to watch how she just swept the floor. and i cant help laughing when she just doesnt stop trying to wake me up everytime my eyes close. i am amazed by how she could brighten my day with laughter with just her limited words. yet, she could make me so happy. gosh, im going to miss her.
you know, its funny. when we part everytime and i had to trick her to get into the car, id be haunted with guilt all the time. and i thought id have to do it forever. i mean, i hated doing that, really, but thats the only way to get her into the car. i hate to see that smile fade. i wish i could make it stay everytime. but i didnt expect that last night, a random action could just make me stay.
i guess in some ways i think..perhaps..if i dont give up having faith, maybe id be able to stay in many other friendships that i really treasure.
and i think, there are times that you could love someone enough to let that person go, and at the same time, you care about the friend enough to make you stay as one. it is not easy. but you just have to have faith. :)

Its been a while right since i wrote anything? i guess im well absorbed in craving to compensate the loneliness of being abroad for the rest of the time i have at home. yeah. i have to admit. i do. i miss home. when im in the uk, i dont wanna go back home. when im home, i dont wanna go back to the uk. but at the end, well, we have to admit that we are on our own specially designated paths of life of our own. and maybe there are times when we have so many people around, and there are times when we are alone.
when i came back home, it was like a remedy to me. in a lot of ways. everyday, there would be cousins, or friends calling to hang out. or perhaps, just a chat or anything. if not there would be errands to run, accompanying someone, helping out another person etc. it is different from my life in the uk, where i think i had a lot of time to myself. i go to anywhere mostly alone. and i realized how much ive been quite a loner for some months now. hehe. maybe i am natural at that. being a loner. crowds sometimes suffocates me. except when its my family. the only crowd that perhaps i dont.
somehow...i think, the thought of going back there is a bit sad for me. haha. yeah. in a way. it feels sometimes that i wanna hide in this house all my life and never come out. :P haha. right, but i know i can never survive living in this house forever. :) i have to find a life of my own. and perhaps it might be lonely and hard for starters.
i guess it always goes like when you start snorkeling for the first time, and you try using that mask. you'd choke, at first, if youre as unlucky as me, you'd get seawater draining in your nose, :P but at the end of the day, if you're patient enough, you'd find that it is not that bad, and you see a lot and learn new things you can never learn on land. maybe it is just a matter of being patient. they say, if the darkness of the night always has an end..why not hardships?
well, i read this book by dr. aidh, and there was this thing he wrote that touches me greatly. :) it said something like...the way to be happy in life, is when you feel yourself as part of the universe. that you have a share of everything in life. hardships, sadness, misery...and also joy and happiness. so, when you're down, you just believe that somewhere, somehow, there is your share of the upper side of feelings. :)
i guess...i shouldnt worry about things i cant change, right? life is short enough, for me to make it shorter by worrying and thinking too much. hehe. i cant make my winter break longer, but i can make the most of it. :) i cant change my path of life. id have to be alone somewhere somehow. even if im surrounded by people all my life, i wont be in my grave. so i might as well learn to seek company from the only One who remains...my Creator.
i guess. when we feel the alternates of pain and joy, that is what that makes us live..isnt it? :)

bye-bye

id miss the sea. :( just reminds me of how small i am in this world. perhaps, one day id find a place to live somewhere near it, that i can watch it everyday. :) insya Allah.